


Hold the Tomatoes

by yodelingpro



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A little bit of fluff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Au where they meet at a McDonald's at 2 in the morning, Au where they ride the bus a lot, Castiel hates tomatoes with the passion of a 1000 burning suns, Completed, Destiel - Freeform, Gabriel has a bakery, M/M, My First Destiel Fanfic, Sad, Suicide, Supernatural - Freeform, destiel au, they're kind of out of character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 36,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2226207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yodelingpro/pseuds/yodelingpro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel decides that his last meal on Earth will be a cheeseburger from McDonald's at 2 am. Dean, who works there, takes it upon himself to talk to Castiel, and convinces him to live.</p><p>Years later, they meet again, and are slow to realize they love each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first contribution to the Supernatural fandom, and I'm also a big shipper of Destiel. I am still developing my writing skills, so please give constructive criticism! Enjoy!
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to my friend Stacey for reading over the story, editing, and helping me get over any writer's block!
> 
> I don't have much of a plot yet, so bear with me while I write, please.
> 
> I don't own any of the characters in this story or Supernatural.

Castiel doesn’t know when his life started falling apart. Maybe it was when his best friend started hating him in grade seven. Maybe it was when a year later, his dog was hit by a car. Maybe it was when his dad left the family for a young Italian super model, (though Castiel never understood why she would go for him). Maybe it was when his grades started failing him in his tenth year of school. Maybe it was when his friends started ditching him because they found him suffocating. It doesn’t matter though, because tonight, on April 1st, he’s going to end it all. It’s fitting to do it on April 1st, since he thinks his life is one big joke. Why not go out with a bit of humour? He is finally going to take matters into his own hands, and no one will be able to stop him. 

Before Castiel takes his life, however, he decides to indulge one last time. 

Castiel doesn’t enjoy too much in life, but some things he really loves. He loves dogs. There’s almost nothing that he loves more than dogs, because dogs are mainly happy creatures, and Castiel loves happy things. Something else he loves, are sweaters. He likes to think of them as wearable hugs, and since nobody touches Castiel much – except for his mother - he wants to die happy, wearing his favourite sweater, because maybe then he’ll feel loved. Finally, Castiel loves a good burger. It doesn’t really matter what kind of beef it is, as long as there’s cheese, pickles, hold the tomatoes, and the right amount of mustard and ketchup, then he’ll eat it. 

This is how Castiel ends up at the one of four McDonald’s in his small city. There are only two cars in the parking lots when he pulls up. He heads into the restaurant, feeling tired and drained. He heads to the counter, already knowing his order. There’s no one at the counter when he steps up, and he looks around. He supposes since it’s two in the morning, there wouldn’t really be anyone around. 

“Hello?” He calls out. Something crashes in the kitchen, and Castiel jumps an inch. “Are you alright?” He asks no one in particular.

Someone clears his throat and groggily says, “Yep, just a minute please.”

Castiel only has to wait ten seconds before a guy around his age comes around the corner and in view. His hat is lopsided on his head, and he looks slightly dazed as he stares at Castiel. He snaps out of it soon enough though, steps towards the register and says, “So, what’ll it be?”

“Cheeseburger, hold the tomatoes and a small pop, please.” Castiel fishes out a twenty, and before the employee can even say the amount due, Cas pushes the twenty towards him. He eyes the employee’s nametag, which reads Dean. Dean starts getting the correct change, when Castiel stops him by saying, “Keep the change.”

Dean halts, then smiles slightly, saying, “Thanks.”

He moves around till he gets Castiel’s paper cup and hands it to him. Castiel mutters thanks, then goes to the fountain pop machine and pours himself a coke. He looks over to the counter, and sees Dean staring steadily at him. Castiel stupidly looks around, even though he knows he’s the only one around. He returns his gaze to Dean and smiles as he takes a sip of his coke. Dean shakes his head, smiling as he does, then turns because someone calls his name from the kitchen. He turns, grabs Castiel’s burger, and then puts the burger on the counter. Castiel salutes him as he moves back into the kitchen. He takes his burger and sits in a booth beside on of the giant windows. He takes a moment to take his burger out of the yellow wrapper and just smell it, because God knows he’s going to miss smells. 

He misses the house smelling like spiced pumpkin, cinnamon, and sugar cookies, like it did every Christmas. Last Christmas didn’t smell like that though, because Mom was working, and Anna didn’t know how to cook or bake, Michael was busy trying to keep Luke and Gabriel under control, and Balthazar was simply too lazy to be bothered.

He’ll miss the smell of gasoline. Most people loathe the smell, but for him, it smells amazing. He’ll miss so much, but at the same time, he’s just so finished with this life.

“Hey,” a voice lulls him out of his thinking. 

Castiel focuses in on who’s speaking, realizing it is Dean, who’s holding a cup of steaming coffee in his hands and sitting across from him. He’s momentarily startled then relaxes a bit when Dean smiles. 

“Hi,” Castiel greets around a mouthful of burger. He takes a sip of his coke again, swallows, all the while looking at Dean.

“Sooo,” Dean drags out, “what brings you to McDonald’s at two in the morning?”

“I just really wanted this burger,” Castiel replies.

Dean quirks an eyebrow at him. “Ya?”

Castiel makes a sound of agreement as he bites into the cheeseburger again. 

“No other reason then?” Dean takes a drink from his cup. He has nice eyes. They remind Castiel of moss. Or the colour of a green apple. Or better yet, light shining through a cut jade. Castiel can’t really get his head around what colour Dean’s eyes are exactly.

“No, why?”

“Well,” Dean says as he licks his lips, “I usually see guys in here around this time who look kind of, you know, deadbeat or whatever. You, however” – Dean points his finger at Castiel – “don’t look too deadbeat, but you don’t look normal either.”

Castiel makes a face. “I don’t look normal?” He questions. 

“Uh,” Dean retracts his finger, “I mean, you look normal, just different.”

“Different? How?” Castiel finishes his burger and wipes stray mustard on a napkin he grabbed earlier. He takes another sip of his drink, shakes it a bit, and then resumes finishing it, all while looking at Dean.

Dean looks him up and down quickly, then says, “The coat, for starters.”

“What’s wrong with my attire?” Castiel asks. His coat hangs over his favourite navy sweater. He doesn’t think it looks that bad.

“Nothing, I like it, it’s just you don’t see many people wearing trench coats,” Dean blurts. 

Castiel smiles at him. He looks almost flustered, like he’s offended Castiel, but really he doesn’t mind. Dean swallows, takes another sip of coffee then puts it back on the table. It’s quiet for a few seconds, the two men just staring at each other, until Dean shakes his head a bit and holds out his hand, “I’m Dean,” he says. 

Castiel reaches out and grips the other’s hand and shakes it. “I know, and I’m Castiel.” Dean’s hand is rough and warm, which is surprisingly comforting. 

Dean makes a face. “How do you know my name?”

Castiel puts his finger to where a nametag would be if he were wearing one. Dean looks down at his own, and chuckles quietly. He places his elbows on the table and puts his face in his hands, rubbing at his cheeks and down his chin. “It’s been a long day,” he sighs while still laughing. 

Castiel squints behind Dean, thinking. Really, he should get going if he wants to get on with it. He has three options to end his life. In the right pocket of his beige trench coat is a bottle of sleeping pills. In his left pocket, is a Swiss Army knife. The third option is drowning. He was going to drive to the Kansas River that runs through the northern part of town, but now that Dean is talking to him, he thinks he doesn’t want to leave just yet. 

“How old are you, Castiel?”

“Graduating high school this year, so I’m eighteen,” he replies.

“Not bad. I’m sitting at the ripe age of eighteen as well,” Dean grins. 

“Isn’t that just something?” Castiel asks.

“It is.” Dean is still smiling at him, and Castiel notices he has a nice smile. 

“So what are you going to do with your life, Cas?” Dean asks. 

Castiel stiffens for two seconds, and he thinks Dean doesn’t notice, but he does. His smile is lost and he asks, “What? What’s wrong?”

Castiel swallows and tries to appear normal once again. He even tries to smile, but he can’t seem to manage it. “I, uh, I don’t know. Nothing’s wrong.”

“Are you sure?” Dean questions. Castiel just nods and stares at the table, swallowing nervously as he does so. He makes the mistake of looking back up at Dean, who seems to be analyzing him. “Cas, why are you really here?”

Castiel thinks of a good response. He could say the obvious, that his life has spiraled out of his control, and he wants to take it back by ending it. Or that he feels lost all the time, and a lonely emptiness is all that fills him, and all that keeps him company. 

“Shouldn’t we all get what we want for our last supper?” Castiel asks. As soon as he’s said it though, he wishes he could take it back. Dean looks at him with a weird mixture of pity, sympathy, pain, and like he’s been caught off guard, and Castiel hates it. He doesn’t want people to feel that way for him. He doesn’t need that to survive. He needs someone to actually try to care before Castiel decides to stop breathing, not when he’s about to die. 

“I, uh, I have to leave,” he says suddenly and standing up. He starts picking up his garbage and heading to the trash can. He dumps it, and is about to leave when somebody grips his wrist, and he winces, because his last marks still haven’t quite healed. He bites his lip to stop himself from whining and looks over his shoulder at Dean, who’s got the most serious expression on. 

He licks his lips before saying, “Don’t.”

Castiel twitches and gently pries Dean’s hand from his wrist. “I have to,” Castiel mumbles.

Dean looks around the restaurant, and sees no one, so he says, “C’mon, Cas, come back to the table and talk.”

“Dean-” 

“Please,” he says.

Castiel seriously considers just bolting out the door and leaving Dean in McDonald’s. Then he thinks of the pain he would feel, if he watched someone leave to take their life if he knew he could’ve done something to prevent it. Dean pushes Castiel gently away from the entrance, and gives his back a small pat. Once they’ve settled back down in their original booth, Castiel talks until Dean’s shift is close to over.

 

Dean Winchester isn’t a very emotional guy, or he guesses the term he’s searching for is “emotionally constipated.” He only ever has heart-to-hearts with his brother, mother, and once with his neighbour Jo. His father is out of the question. Dean thinks it’s because he doesn’t want his son to be “girly,” as his father put it. When he was younger and no one was around to comfort him except for his father, he would say, “Dean, stop acting like such a girl.” He hasn’t confronted his father about any such matters since. 

So, Dean doesn’t really know what to do when Castiel starts telling him his life story. All he knows is that he doesn’t want Cas to leave, because he knows what would happen if he let him go. That’s why he sits for another four hours in McDonald’s, sitting across from a boy who has the most gorgeous eyes, and listens to him. 

“And none of my siblings still live with my mom and I. They’re all moved out and getting their lives together. That’s why I’m here, because I know they can’t stop me.” Castiel lets out a whoosh of air and takes a moment to stare at his hands, then he turns his gaze to Dean. He looks uncertain now compared to when he first entered the dead restaurant. He seemed to be on a mission earlier, but since they’ve been talking for hours, (mainly Dean was listening), Castiel has started fidgeting as he continued with the tale of his life. He rubs at his wrists and winces ever so slightly, and Dean can imagine what kind of damage has been etched into the skin there. 

He’s rubbing at his wrist right now, hard in fact, and Dean isn’t thinking when he pulls Castiel’s left hand into his own and sets their hands up as if to have a thumb war. Castiel is taken by surprise and is confused for all of two seconds, until he realizes what Dean has done. Castiel relaxes a bit, and Dean offers him a small smile, which Castiel returns with a tired one. 

They start their thumb war, not really paying attention to who’s winning or losing, and Dean asks, “What are you going to do?”

Castiel sighs and squints at their hands. “I don’t know. I suppose I won’t go through with it.” He bites the nail on his free thumb, still staring at their joined hands. Dean takes a moment to look at Castiel. He sees the brightness of his eyes, like the sky or a blue raspberry Jolly Rancher. He also sees the small crinkles by his eyes that show he’s laughed a lot in his lifetime. He notices that Castiel’s hair is all over the place, like he hasn’t combed it ever, but Dean finds it endearing. He also detects the tired lines on Castiel’s face, and the five o’clock shadow building on his face. He shouldn’t look like that at eighteen. He recognizes the same expression on his uncle Bobby’s face, and Bobby has been through so much. Dean frowns at Castiel, thumb war forgotten.

People started coming into the restaurant about two hours ago. Its 6:30 am now and so far Dean has had four coffees to keep himself up and listening to Castiel. 

“Hey,” Castiel says.

Dean looks up at him, and he can see a war behind those blue eyes. Castiel swallows, and Dean eyes his throat before returning his gaze to Cas’s eyes. “Um, thanks for, you know listening,” Castiel mumbles.

Dean squeezes the other’s hand and smiles. “It’s no problem. I wanted to.” Dean frowns and adds, “Don’t do anything stupid, okay?”

Castiel chuckles quietly and strokes Dean’s thumb, making Dean shiver slightly. Castiel notices and takes his hand slowly away from Dean’s. 

“I better get going. Mom will freak if she doesn’t see me,” Castiel sighs. 

“Yeah,” Dean says lamely. He strangely doesn’t want this to end. Castiel stares at him for a few more seconds, lick his lips, then shakes his head a bit. He stands up abruptly, startling Dean.

“It was nice meeting you, Dean. I hope you have a good life, and maybe we’ll meet in another one,” Castiel says as way of parting. He sticks out his hand for Dean to shake.

Dean is stunned, then pulls himself together and stands up, nearly toppling himself over out of the booth, and Castiel grips Dean’s shoulder to keep him from falling.

Dean laughs, embarrassed. He’s surprised Castiel doesn’t want to exchange numbers or discuss being friends. Dean guesses this is one of those one-time-things, and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t mention that though, and says instead, “Yeah, you too.” He shakes Castiel’s hand, and likes that they’re soft but slightly calloused. 

Castiel smiles but it falters. “Thank you, Dean.”

The other just nods, his mouth in a tight line. “Bye Cas.”

Castiel smiles stronger, then turns, his hand falling from Dean’s as he walks out the door of McDonald’s.

Dean feels strangely empty as he watches the stranger who wandered into his life disappear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel spends time with Anna, Gabriel, and Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter for anyone who wants to continue reading. Just comment if you want the third one.

December used to be Castiel’s favourite month, simply because Christmas happened near the end, and then New Year’s followed soon afterwards. It was a time for celebration and even though the streets have lights around the lamp posts and shop windows are decorated with cheesy sayings like “Happy Holidays!” and, “Are you naughty or nice?” (That one is in the window of an erotic shop), Castiel doesn’t feel very festive. In fact, Castiel is slightly annoyed.  
Christmas was ruined for him when his father walked out on the family 11 years ago today. It’s December 16th, and Castiel has a grudge against this day. He feels like a bitter old man.

Gabriel bumps shoulders with Castiel. “We should go into that shop over there,” he says, pointing at the erotic shop with a gloved finger.

Castiel grimaces and shakes his head. “That is not the shop for me.”

“Suit yourself, sugar puff, more for me,” Gabriel chuckles as he starts getting up from the bus stop bench.

“Get back here,” Castiel demands as he pulls Gabriel back onto the bench by his sleeve.

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” Gabriel asks as he raises his eyebrow.

“Panties are women’s underwear-”

“No shit,” Gabriel mutters.

“-and I’m annoyed,” Castiel explains, ignoring his brother.

Gabriel scrunches his nose. “Why?”

“Today is the anniversary,” Castiel says quietly.

“Of what?”

“Dad,” Castiel simply states.

Gabriel rolls his head and gives Castiel the look. “Bro, who cares? Dad walked out, and he’s not coming back. Ever, might I add.”

“Yes, well…” Castiel trails off. Well, what? He doesn’t know. Maybe he hopes that one day, even after all this time, his father will contact him, apologize, and come back to Kansas so he can be with his family again. Or maybe Castiel just wants an apology for the shit storm that followed after his dad’s disappearance.  
The city bus pulls up in front of them, cutting through the inch of snow on the road that fell overnight. Gabriel fishes out the money for the bus from his coat pocket and they step on. He hands the money to the driver, then leads Castiel to the middle of the bus. He lets Castiel take the window seat. 

Castiel plops down into the worn seat and stares ahead. He sees a man two rows ahead of him, with dirty blond hair and white ear buds sticking out of his ears. He’s bopping his head a little, and Castiel smiles.

When they get to La Prima Tazza, one of the local cafes, they step inside only to be enveloped into a massive hug, led by Anna and Luke. Castiel attempts to hug both of them, but his arms are restrained because of Luke’s death grip on his arms. 

“Hello Lucas, Anna,” Gabriel says dryly. 

Anna pushes Luke away from Castiel and holds him at arm’s length, looking at him with a fond smile. “Hi, Castiel.”

“Hello,” he returns. 

“I’ve already taken the liberty of ordering you two coffees,” Luke says as he pushes Gabriel to a table with four seats located in the corner. They sit down, with Luke to Castiel’s left, Anna across from himself, and Gabriel beside Anna. Gabriel takes a sip of his coffee, and then spits it out at comically into Luke’s face.  
Luke makes a disgusted noise, and reaches blindly for a napkin that isn’t there. Castiel gets up to get his brother one. He hands it to Luke and sits back down.

“You had that coming you know,” Anna says with a laugh. She pulls her fiery red hair up into a pony tail and rests her chin in her hand afterwards, and smile playing on her lips.

“What the hell did you put in my drink?” Gabriel growls.

Luke wipes his face diligently, and replies, “Just some salt, and no, I did not deserve that.”

Castiel looks warily at his own drink. “Did you touch mine?” He looks over at Luke.

“No,” he says with a sniff, “Anna wouldn’t let me go near yours.”

“Thank you, Anna,” Castiel says with a quirk of his lips. She nods at him and grins.

“How’s the business, Gabe?” Luke asks.

“The bakery’s not bad; coming along slowly. There’s this boulder that comes in a few times a week,” he replies with a wolfish grin.

“Boulder?” Anna asks, confused. 

“My mistake,” Gabriel says lightly, “more like a god.”

“Can’t you give a description like a normal person?” Luke jabs.

Gabriel doesn’t look fazed as he adds, “More like a sex god,” wistfully. He sighs dreamily.

“Gross,” Luke says and makes a disgusted face. Gabriel just laughs.

Castiel realizes he’s missed his siblings. They all come back home for holidays, but other than that, they don’t visit much. Occasionally he talks on the phone with them, but he tends to keep to himself. He’s never been much of a social person, but when he is, he truly loves those around him. He loves his brothers and sister more than anything.

“How’s school, Castiel?” Anna asks as she looks at him with a fond smile.

Castiel finally takes a sip of his coffee, and is happy that there’s nothing off about it. “Good, good. My professors are adequate. My favourite course is European History.”

“How kind,” Luke says dryly. Gabriel kicks Luke under the table, and Luke retaliates.

Anna ignores him and asks, “Medication is still okay?”

Castiel should’ve expected it, but he still feels the hollowness in his chest. Luke and Gabriel have stopped kicking each other underneath the table to listen to his answer. He tugs at the collar of his trench coat uncomfortably. 

“Uh, yeah,” Castiel mutters, “yeah it’s fine.”

“That’s good,” Anna says with a kind smile. 

After that night four years ago, Castiel left McDonald’s with a quieter mind, like the demons had been kept at bay for the time being. They were just whispers, instead of screams. 

When he got home, of course his mother was panicking. She had gone to wake him up, and he wasn’t there. She nearly called the police before Castiel let himself in through the front door. He told her what happened, and she cried and held him like she used to when he was small. The next day she took Castiel into the doctor’s office and he was diagnosed him with depression. He has his good days and his bad days still, but he doesn’t feel like shit every day now at least.

Luke clears his throat and stands up, shouting, “WHO WANTS TO DO SOME SHOPPING?”

“Sir, please don’t yell,” a barista says in a tired voice.

“Fight the power,” Luke replies, while shaking his fist passionately.

 

“Hey, Castiel, what about this one?” Luke asks as he holds up a double D lacey bra. He puts the straps over his arms and puffs out his chest. 

Castiel raises his eyebrow, and says, “Too big. You have smaller breasts than that.”

Luke scoffs. “I do not.”

Anna comes back into the bra section of the Target they are in. She sighs when she sees her brother, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and pointer finger. “Luke,” she says, exasperated.

“Yes, dear?” Luke replies in a high pitched voice. He leans over and put his hands on his thighs, squishing the cups of the bra together.

“Take that off,” Anna demands. She looks around, and there are two other ladies in their area, who are looking at Luke with distaste.

“But I need something to hold up the girls,” Luke explains as he puts his hands over his chest, flattening the bra in the process.

“You don’t have ‘girls’,” Anna says, using air quotations.

“You’re just jealous because mine are bigger,” Luke fires back. Gabriel comes around with a bag in his hand.

“Nice bra, Lucas,” Gabriel comments.

“What’s in the bag, Gabriel?” Luke asks haughtily.

“A gift,” he replies with just as much attitude.

“A gift? It’s December 16th,” Luke looks appalled. “You always get gifts last minute.”

“Duh, which is why I’m getting stuff now, and changing things up a bit. Strategy, Luke,” Gabriel says as he taps his temples. He looks confused for a moment, and asks, “Why are you two weirdos in the bra section anyway?” He motions between Castiel and Luke.

“I asked them to help me pick out bras,” Anna explains.

“Guys don’t do that stuff, Anna,” Gabriel says with a disgruntled face. 

“No, no, it’s good, because now we can help her pick out the ugliest bra,” Luke grins.

“Why would you do that?” Anna asks, eyes widening. She puts her hands on her hips.

“So if a guy ever gets to the bra part-” Luke begins.

“Oh my god,” Anna says, exasperated.

“-then he’ll see the world’s ugliest bra, and think to himself, ‘Maybe this isn’t a very good idea,’ and badda bing badda boom, he leaves my little sister alone and a virgin forever,” Luke explains. His smile widens. He looks so proud of himself. 

“Upper body fondling doesn’t take away someone’s virginity, Lucas,” Gabriel says.

“I know that, Gabriel. However," he says, holding up his pointer finger on each hand, "if we match the bra with the underwear then she’ll stay a virgin for eternity.”

“I’m not a virgin,” Anna says with her brow raised.

Luke looks appalled. “YOU’RE NOT?” He screeches.

Castiel looks around. The ladies have left, but an employee hears Luke’s cries. He doesn’t really want to be kicked out of another store because of his brother. This is the third store if they are ask to leave.

“Would you keep your voice down?” Anna panics. Luke wraps her up in a hug, mainly holding her head and petting her red hair. The bra is pressed up against Anna’s face. She looks annoyed.

“My baby sister, poisoned by this cruel world,” Luke mutters to himself, still stroking Anna’s hair.

“Come on, Castiel, before we get kicked out again,” Gabriel says as he tugs on Castiel’s sleeve.

He pulls him near the entrance and before they leave, they hear Anna yelling, “Don’t leave me with him!”

“Don’t look back,” Gabriel whispers and pushes on the back of Castiel’s shoulders to keep him moving. 

 

“Mother!” Gabriel yells as he and Castiel open up the front door to the house. “We come bearing pizza!”

“Come in, come in,” is the reply from the kitchen. They make their way down the hall, Castiel bringing in the pizza since Gabriel refused to hold it. They make a left turn and see their mother mixing something in a big steel bowl. Her auburn hair is falling out of her braid, and she’s stirring furiously.

“Hey, ma,” Gabriel says. He kisses his mother on the cheek and she smiles as she greets them. 

Castiel places the pizzas on the counter tops and kisses his mother on the cheek as well. She halts her stirring and turns to give him a hug. “How is my Castiel?” His mother asks fondly.

“Your Castiel is doing fine,” he replies. His mother pats his cheek softly when she pulls away. 

“That’s good.”

“What are you making?” Gabriel asks over the half wall that separates the kitchen and living room.

“Brownies,” his mother replies as she goes back to stirring the batter.

Castiel grabs plates from the top cupboard by the sink and places them on the table in the middle of the kitchen, placing the now open boxes of pizza on the surface. He sits down and grabs a slice of pepperoni, taking a bite. Gabriel seems to slither into the kitchen and sits down across from Castiel.

“Hey, mom?” Gabriel asks.

“Yes, sweetheart?” Their mother pours the batter in a greased pan and puts it in the oven, putting on a timer as well.

“You’re the best,” Gabriel says with a goofy smile.

“Suck up,” Castiel coughs. He receives a kick from Gabriel’s side of the table.

Castiel groans and swallows the lump of pizza in his mouth. “You sick, Castiel?” His mother asks and she starts washing the dishes.

He shakes his head with a tight smile. “No, mom, I’m fine,” Castiel replies. His mother turns to smile at him. He has her eyes, and they’re just as tired as his.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel meets Dean on the bus after four years. Gabriel tells Castiel about Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of Destiel and a little bit of Sabriel. I don't ship Sabriel, but I figured I might as well throw some of it in. Enjoy!

Castiel yawns as he makes the ten minute walk to the bus stop, his satchel bumping against his hip. He has a mug of coffee clutched in his left hand, while his right is stuffed in his pocket, playing with change for the bus. 

It’s colder today and even though the chill is settling into his bones and making its home there, it’s refreshing. It’s seven o’clock in the morning, and Castiel’s European History class starts at eight. When he woke up a half hour ago, only his mother was up. She made him coffee and told him he needed to cut his hair, to which he replied, “Never.”

He sits down at the bus stop, and is hit with the sudden rush of loneliness. Even though most of his siblings are out for the month, (Balthazar decided to go to England with his girlfriend for Christmas and the New Year, and Michael was held up at work), he still has a certain emptiness swallowing him up. It’s going to be his second Christmas without Meg, who was his girlfriend at one point. He met her the fall after he graduated from high school. They both took an extra class – it being modern art – and she sat down next to him even though there were plenty of other open seats.

At first he was annoyed. Not because there was someone next to him, but because when they introduced each other, (her initiating the conversation), she kept calling him Clarence instead of Castiel. She would bully him a bit, making him do most of the work in any group projects. She would also copy any of his techniques he used in his art. He’s surprised she even passed that class at all.

But then the punches to the shoulder became gentle caresses, and the name calling held a fondness and affection laced to it. When she touched him, he would feel butterflies floating around his stomach. And then she kissed him one day after class on campus. It was raining, and feeling the warmth from her lips and the coolness of the raindrops that seeped beneath the collar of his sweater was maddening. It was maddening in the best kind of way.

After that they stayed together for two years. In between that time, they loved each other and hated each other. Castiel hated the way she manipulated him. He never said so though, because any time he said something she would tear a strip out of him. She always forgave him, but Castiel used to think he should’ve been the one forgiving her. She loved him anyway. Castiel loved the way she said his name when she actually used it. When she flirted with him, he would falter a step, because his heart also made a weird jump. He would close his eyes every time she whispered in his ear, because she would kiss the spot below his earlobe each time, very gentle, like it was a whisper itself.

Castiel misses her. Well, maybe he doesn’t miss her, but he misses sharing the company of having someone. Gabriel would try to set Castiel up with people he knew and strangers he didn’t, but Castiel never liked any of them; not the way he liked Meg. 

Castiel is pulled from his reverie as he hears the squeaking of the city bus’s brakes. It screeches to a stop in front of the bench and Castiel stands to his feet slowly. He’s still tired from the previous night. Anna and Luke had burst in like a hurricane and ate a fair share of the pizza. Then Luke and Gabriel played Super Smash Bros, cursing and yelling at each other whenever the other got the upper hand, while Anna, Castiel and their mother played Cribbage. He had finally gone to bed around two. He needs to drink as much coffee as he can as he is already on his third cup and still dragging his feet. 

He hands his change lazily to the driver and walks to the middle of the bus, sitting near the window and putting his bag on the other seat. He puts his earphones in, pretending to be listening to music, and stares out the window as the bus moves again. After a few minutes they make another stop. More people get on the bus, and Castiel is forced to move his bag onto his lap since the vehicle is getting full. He continues staring out the window, even when someone sits down beside him. 

The bus drives to downtown Lawrence, and the bus partially empties. He feels his left earbud being removed and taken away, and he frowns, annoyed, and turns to look at the cause. 

He sees someone who he hasn’t seen in four years, and Castiel sees he’s glowering as well. 

“What the hell, Cas? Why aren’t you listening to music?” Dean asks, confused. He has Castiel’s left earbud in his right ear and has a small smile playing on his lips.

“D-Dean?” Castiel is stunned. He’s surprised, because he didn’t think they’d ever see each other again. Not that Lawrence is the biggest city ever or anything; he just didn’t expect it to be in the cards for him. 

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says quietly. He looks different. He has more freckles and Castiel smiles at that little detail. His eyes are still the same, but he has more laugh lines around them. He seems more aged, (obviously), but it’s a good look on him.

“Hi,” Castiel breathes. His smile widens as Dean frowns at the earbud in his hand. “I do that to ward off strangers,” Castiel explains as he takes back the bud.

“Well, what if a stranger wants to talk to you?” Dean asks. He eyes Castiel up and down.

“Then they’ll just have to rip out my earbud,” Castiel says. He wraps the wires up and stuffs it in his brown satchel. He looks back up at Dean, only to find him already staring at him.

“Where have you been hiding?” Dean sounds tired suddenly. Castiel doesn’t like it.

“I’ve been right here,” he replies as he stares at his hands. He can feel the weight of Dean looking at him, and it’s stifling. 

Dean doesn’t say anything for a while, until he speaks up again. “I was really scared that night, you know.”

Castiel puffs a laugh. “So was I.”

“I was just terrified to let you leave like that. I didn’t know what you were going to do, and that scared the shit outta me. I had no idea if you were going to go through with it or not,” Dean finishes. He runs a hand through his short hair. A woman in front of them sneezes and Castiel mutters a “Bless you.” He doesn’t get a reply back.

“Anyway,” Dean says as he relaxes into the shabby seat more, “I’m glad you’re still around.”

Castiel smiles goofily and before he can think about what he’s doing, he punches Dean lightly on his right shoulder. “You better be, Dean.”

Dean is momentarily stunned, but then an easy smiles slides onto his face. Castiel supposes it is weird for him to act like that around Dean. He doesn’t do it much with anyone else. Maybe Castiel feels like he owes something to the man sitting beside him, since he did save his life and all. He was the one who took time to recognize something was wrong with Castiel, and he listened. He made Castiel stay when he wanted to desperately to leave, and Castiel couldn’t be more grateful towards Dean.

“Hey,” Castiel says quietly, “thank you.”

Dean moves his head to look at him and smiles awkwardly. He bumps his shoulder with Castiel. “Anytime, just don’t go doing that again, okay?”

Castiel doesn’t say anything, just bumps Dean back. “So,” Dean says conversationally, “You headed to the university?”

Castiel nods. “Yes, my European history class starts at eight.” He checks his smartphone to see the time. It reads 7:22. 

“European History? That’s interesting. I’m headed there too.”

Castiel raises his eyebrow. “What are you taking?”

“I’m going to my physics class.” Castiel makes a disgusted face and Dean chuckles. He says jokingly, “I take it physics is your favourite subject?”

“I love it as much as I love tomatoes,” Castiel says dryly. But Dean is smiling, and he finds himself smiling back, unable to stop himself from staring at the man sitting beside him. He finds he’s losing his grip, and is being swallowed by the deep green that occupies Dean’s eyes. 

Castiel remembers after the main event of his life, he kept going back to Dean. He would dream about him sometimes. He would miss him, and then realize Dean wouldn’t be thinking about Castiel like that, so he forced himself to stop. He never let himself go back to back to that McDonald’s. He wouldn’t make eye contact with strangers, just in case he saw those jade eyes again. He was scared of what Dean would think of him.

He’s yanked back to reality when the driver calls, “University of Kansas!”

Dean gets up, shouldering his bag and making his way to the front of bus, Castiel following. When they step off, they head in the direction of the university. People are dressed in pajamas and look just as tired as Castiel feels. Some seem to be almost sleepwalking. Others appear to have had too much caffeine, even more than what Castiel has consumed already.

“What have you been doing these past four years?” Dean asks. He’s looking at the sidewalk, his hands stuffed in his pockets.

Castiel sighs. “Oh you know, fighting crime, saving the world, that kind of thing.” Dean looks up at him, and Castiel grins.

Dean smiles. “You’ve been kept busy.”

Castiel says, “Well, I was accepted into the university not long after that night.” He pauses and swallows, thinking about what happened in the fall. “And, uh, I’ve been working towards a European History degree, and an English degree.”

Dean hums. “What are you gonna do with those?” He stops at a fork in the path. They have to go separate ways. 

Castiel halts beside him and shrugs his shoulders, keeping his hands in his pockets. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be an English teacher for high school students. Possibly a stripper,” Castiel says nonchalantly, making Dean choke on air. His ears are painted red and he laughs nervously. Castiel is wearing an amused smirk.

“I better get going,” Dean coughs. He turns, and then spins back around. “What’s your last name, Cas?”

“Novak, yours?”

“Winchester.”

“Like the gun?”

“Yeah,” Dean laughs. His ears aren’t as red anymore, but his cheeks are from the cold. At least that’s what Castiel thinks is the cause.

“See you later, Winchester,” Castiel says in a sing song voice as he starts backing up to go to the Humanities building. He’s still beaming at Dean

“Bye, Cas,” Dean smiles and salutes. He turns and starts jogging lightly towards the Math and Science building. Castiel doesn’t stop smiling all through class.

 

It is noon by the time Castiel is done two of his classes. His Creative Writing class starts at four. In between, he decides to make the fifteen minute walk to the bakery that Gabriel owns. He hasn’t had anything to eat since 6:30, and he’s in desperate need of caffeine. The supply that has been running through his veins has worn off. It starts snowing, and the coldness kisses Castiel’s cheeks and clings to his lashes.

He passes people on the streets that are adorned in scarves and clutching at bags from stores that line the streets. He feels improved from yesterday before he met up with Anna, Gabriel, and Luke. He had needed a miracle that would keep him from destroying something. That miracle’s name was Dean Winchester.  
Castiel’s face stretches into a secret smile at the memory of this morning on the bus. Warmth spreads through his body, igniting a skip in his step, and he pushes the door open of La Casa, chiming the bell above the door. 

Castiel loves La Casa, since it simply does feel like home. Castiel doesn’t know much Spanish, but from what he does know, casa is home. And that’s what this bakery is.

The floors are worn hardwood, but have a certain charm to them. The wall on the left is a dark grey, while the rest are a periwinkle colour. There are many circular and square tables, with brown wooden chairs at each, and the lights are a soft yellow. There are windows bordering the right wall and the wall with the entrance. The bakery counter is on the wall facing the entrance, and it is being manned by Charlie, one of Gabriel’s employees, and the man himself.  
He looks up from the coffee machine at the tinkling of the bell and smiles when he sees his brother stroll in. “Cas!” Gabriel calls.

“Hello, Gabriel,” Castiel replies with a smile still on his face. He pulls his satchel up higher on his right shoulder, scooting around the tables and pulled out chairs occupying people. He steps up to the counter. “Can I get a mocha to drink and a Ham and Swiss Panini, please?”

“Sure thing,” Gabriel says as he punches in the numbers into the cash register screen. “Seven fifty, bro.”

Castiel reaches into the pockets of his slacks and pulls out a crumpled ten, handing it to Gabriel. He receives change and Charlie gets to work on the mocha while Gabriel starts putting the Panini together. Castiel moves away from the register, leaning against the glass cabinet that holds treats like brownies, croissants, muffins, Madeleines, breads, cakes, and an assortment of other goodies. He looks over the customers, drinking in the welcoming air of the place. He listens to chatter and the music playing quietly over the speakers that line the bakery. 

The bell rings again, and a very tall man steps over the threshold. He’s holding a laptop and tightens his grip on it as he shakes his hair of snowflakes. He moves to the corner and takes a seat facing the bakery. He sets up his laptop and starts typing.

Gabriel startles Castiel by yelling, “The usual Sam?”

The large man looks up at Gabriel –who’s handing Castiel his sandwich – and smiles, nodding. Castiel turns to take his food, and notices Gabriel’s hands are shaking. “Are you alright?” Castiel asks, furrowing his brows. Charlie comes by and gives Castiel his coffee with a smile. “Thanks, Charlie,” Castiel says.  
“You’re welcome, Cas,” she replies. She goes to the register to help a customer. Charlie is someone else who Castiel met in the fall of his first year of university. They were both taking a computer class, which Castiel dropped after a few months, but she still kept in contact with him. He introduced her to Gabriel, who took a liking to her and hired her to work at the bakery. They’ve all been friends since.

“Fine, fine,” Gabriel says hastily. He squats and grabs coffee beans from under the cupboard and pours some into the coffee grinder. He puts the bag back then turns to Castiel. “That’s him,” he mutters, looking over at Sam.

“Who?” Castiel questions, staring at Sam as well. He pushes his Panini part way out of the wrapper and takes a bite, feeling his stomach grumble.

“The sex god,” Gabriel whispers, biting his thumb nail. Castiel chokes on his sandwich, squishing the Panini with his tight grip and pounding his chest as he tries to swallow the food. “Would you shut up?” Gabriel panics. He reaches over the counter and hits Castiel on the back so hard he can feel a bruise blossoming.

“Jesus, Gabriel!” Castiel cries as he finally clears his throat. He drinks some of his mocha to wash anything else down. 

His brother doesn’t apologize, but instead runs around the counter, grabs Castiel’s coat sleeve, making him spill part of his drink on his white dress shirt, and yanks him towards an empty table. Castiel sits much more gracefully than Gabriel, setting down his food and drink, trying to ignore the uncomfortable wetness that clings to his shirt. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Castiel asks calmly. He takes another bite of the sandwich.

“I have no idea, little brother, but,” Gabriel states and points to Sam, “I do know that he’s the most beautiful person I have ever seen.” He finishes softly. Castiel turns in his seat and examines Sam. He supposes he is attractive, with his pointed nose, long brown hair, and thin mouth. For some reason though, Castiel compares him to Dean, and he doesn’t even see a competition between the two.

Castiel faces forward again and Gabriel is looking at him with a creepy smile. “So, do you approve?”

“Uh,” Castiel begins. He takes another bite, talking around the mouthful, “I guess. I’m not going to stop you or claim him, if that’s what you think.”

Gabriel laughs hysterically then stops suddenly. “I have dibs,” he says menacingly.

Castiel holds up his hands, including his Panini, and says, “He’s all yours.” He empties the contents of the paper cup and squints at it, then at his brother. “He’s not a piece of meat, though. And also,” he holds up the cup, “you should give me another coffee for free since you dumped most of mine on my shirt.”

Gabriel nods dumbly, still staring at Sam. Castiel sighs and comments, “Also, he must be so beautiful that you forgot you were making his usual.”

Gabriel snaps out of it, mutters, “Shit,” then scrambles to make Sam’s drink. He comes back a minute later, a cup in his hand. He holds it out to him. “Can you give this to him?”

“I’m not the one who works here, Gabriel,” Castiel replies, not looking at his brother, finishing off his Panini.

“I don’t want to hand it to him though,” Gabriel whines.

“Why not? You seemed okay yelling at him from across the bakery earlier,” Castiel shoots back.

“This is also a good way to get acquainted with him,” Gabriel suggests lamely.

Castiel gives him a ‘really?’ look. “You wimp, go talk to your future boyfriend, and give him his coffee,” Castiel commands, pushing Gabriel away with his foot.  
Gabriel makes a whining noise and says, “I feel weird doing it when you’re around.”

Castiel sighs exasperatedly. “It’s not like you’re making out with him. You’re giving him a drink he ordered,” Castiel explains.

Gabriel takes a deep, shaky breath, and walks over to the corner that Sam is in, gripping the ceramic cup till his knuckles are white. When he makes the journey to the other side, Castiel hears Gabriel say something and Sam laughs as he takes the mug from the owner, smiling and saying thanks. Gabriel spins on his heel and speed walks towards his brother, a blush creeping up his neck.

“How’d I do?” He asks.

“You were marvelous, now, I want my coffee that you owe me,” Castiel answers, looking back at Sam who’s smiling at Gabriel.

“Yeah, okay, doofus,” Gabriel retorts. Gabriel scuttles of behind the counter, getting to work.

Castiel shifts in his seat, hating the feeling of his now cold coffee stained shirt against his skin. “Hey, Gabriel?”

“Yeah?” Gabriel mixes coffee with hot chocolate in a paper cup.

“Do you have an extra shirt I could borrow?” Castiel holds his shirt away from him, his torso feeling sticky.

Gabriel looks up as he puts the top on Castiel’s coffee cup. He’s quiet for a second, as if thinking, then nods, saying, “Yeah, I think so.”

He puts Castiel’s finished drink on the counter and goes into the back room of the bakery. Castiel stands to get his drink, then sits back down. He takes a sip and Gabriel comes back out with a black dress shirt. He tosses it to Castiel, saying, “It’s gonna be small on you, but it should be okay.”

Castiel says thanks, finishes his drink, then goes around the counter into the back room to change. Charlie pokes his shoulder on the way out. “That looks kind of tight,” she mentions as she parts his coat slightly, taking in the black fabric stretch over his form. 

Castiel attempts to roll his shoulders, but stops when he feels the shirt straining. “It feels tight,” Castiel replies. “It’d be more comfortable if Gabriel weren’t so small.”

“I’m not little, Castiel,” Gabriel complains. “I’m just pocket sized.”

“Nah, you’re just super small, Gabe,” Charlie comments, arms crossed against her chest.

Gabriel mutters threats under his breath. Castiel pats Charlie on the shoulder and does the same to Gabriel as he passes by to leave. “I’ll see you guys later,” he says as way of parting.

They both wave, then get back to work, and Castiel leaves La Casa, his white dress shirt stuffed in his satchel. The door chimes his good bye, and he’s off to wander the snowy streets of Lawrence.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean convinces Castiel to skip class to get some coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY HERE'S THE FOURTH CHAPTER. Sorry, it took a while. I had to rewrite it because I didn't like the first version, and this one is more fun anyway. Enjoy!

The city bus has always been incorporated into Castiel’s life somehow. He had been riding it to the store with his mother to get a few things when she mentioned she was getting the family a dog. Castiel’s face had split into a wide grin and he had jumped in his seat, practically vibrating with excitement. His mom had laughed and pulled him into her lap. He kept yelling, “Thank you!”repeatedly. His mom had just kissed his cheek, gazing at him with affection. Another time was when Anna was also with them since she was still in high school then. They were going out to lunch and their mother was quiet. She and Castiel’s father had been fighting so much lately, and Castiel could see it affecting the soft lines on her face. She said, “I don’t know how to tell you two, but,” she stopped to think for a minute, and it made Castiel’s stomach twist uncomfortably, “your father and I don’t love each other anymore. He’s leaving to be with someone else who he does love.” Castiel hated their father after that. The lunch had a sour air surrounding them the entire time they were at the out.

Castiel had decided to end his life in a car. He was driving to the grocery store to get tomatoes and spinach for his mom, and he was stopped at a red light, gripping the steering wheel tightly. It was a week before April 1st, so he knew he had time to prep. He had been at war with his inner demons for days, and by the time he got to the store and was picking up the tomatoes, the voices were screaming.

Castiel figures that’s why he doesn’t like driving cars anymore. He has happier memories of bus trips than car rides. He likes being surrounded by strangers on the bus, whereas he’s usually alone in his car.

The bus pulls to a stop in front of Castiel now. He’s tired again today. He was kept up all night by having the same nightmare over and over again. He drowned and drowned and drowned and it felt that had occurred a thousand times.

Castiel groggily stepped onto the bus and gave the change to the driver, slumping in his usual chair when he reaches it. He doesn’t bother putting in his headphones. Instead, he stares at the fresh blanket of snow on the ground. It sparkles in the orange morning light, looking like glitter.

Castiel leans his head back and it cracks his neck comfortably. He closes his eyes and attempts to sleep for the ride to the university. He briefly wonders if he’s going to see Dean today, and a small smile blooms on his face at the thought of seeing Freckle Face. He chuckles quietly at the name, and then falls quiet again. He rubs at his eyes with the heels of his palms, trying to wake up more. He slaps his cheeks for good measure.

His eyes remain closed when the bus halts again a few minutes later, and also when Dean sits next to him. He opens his left eye just to make sure it is Dean, and when he can confirm that it is, goes back to trying to sleep. He slides so that his head is resting on Dean’s shoulder.

Dean chuckles. “Tired?”

Castiel makes an affirmative noise. “Didn’t get much sleep last night, only about two hours if we’re counting,” Castiel mumbles. He shifts slightly then sighs when he’s more comfortable.

“Why?” Dean asks, his voice holding a note of concern.

“I kept having this nightmare,” Castiel whispers. “Now shut up. I’m trying to rest.”

Dean ignores him and instead decides it’s interrogation time. “What nightmare?”

Castiel sighs, slightly annoyed, even though he knows it’s fruitless and stupid to attempt to sleep on a city bus. “I was drowning, and then I was drowning again, and then I drowned some more. It was like that for the whole night.” Castiel opens his eyes and looks up at Dean, who’s already staring at him with a frown lacing his features. Castiel straightens, twisting his torso, feeling his back crack.

Dean still has the same expression plastered on his face. “That’s weird,” he states.

“Yes, I know,” Castiel says. He yawns, covering his mouth with a closed fist.

Dean doesn’t say anything for a moment, then hesitantly suggests, “We could skip class, to do something else.”

Castiel furrows his brow and looks at his friend. “How do you know I have class?”

“I’m just guessing,” Dean says with a shrug.

Castiel deliberates. What would he be skipping class for? What would he and Dean do? Castiel squints at him now, and asks, “What do you have in mind?”

Dean turns to face Castiel more, looking very serious. “I’m tired too, so why don’t we play hooky and go get some shut eye back at my apartment?”

“What?” Castiel asks. “Are you still in high school?”

Dean deflates a bit and mutters, “Yeah, that was stupid, never mind.” He spins in his seat to face the front of the bus as it makes another stop downtown. Castiel observes Dean’s profile, realizing he’d been rude to his friend.

Castiel sighs. He doesn’t want to be this way with Dean. There are days when his medication doesn’t seem to affect him, today being one of them. “I’m sorry,” Castiel whispers. He feels guilt wash over him. “I get snappish sometimes. I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s fine,” Dean replies gruffly.

“I’ll still play hooky if you want to,” Castiel says, lightly bumping his shoulder with Dean’s. Dean doesn’t respond so Castiel whispers, “Come on, you know you want to.”

A smile works its way onto Dean’s face, and Castiel finds himself grinning back. “Yeah, alright,” Dean says. “Let’s go.”

“What, now?” Castiel exclaims and yanks Dean back down when he starts standing. “Where are you going?”

“We’re leaving,” Dean says in a ‘duh’ voice.

“The bus is moving though,” Castiel retorts with just as much attitude. He looks out the window, and yes, the city bus is definitely in drive right now. Streets are lazily streaking by and people dot the sidewalks, going into businesses to start the day.

“So?” Dean asks.

“So,” Castiel reasons, “we can’t get off a moving bus.”

Dean looks beyond the bus and at the next set of lights. The light turns yellow and they feel the bus slowing down. “Look,” Dean says quickly, grabbing Castiel’s shoulder to emphasize the importance of what he’s about to say, “the bus is going to brake, and the next bus stop isn’t till we get to the university, and that’s a long ways to walk back to my apartment, so we might as well get off right now.”

The bus jerks to a stop and Castiel’s eyes widen as Dean grabs his wrist and tugs him up, making them both sprint to the front of the bus. People are muttering and looking at them with disgruntled expressions, but Castiel finds he doesn’t care, because Dean’s calloused hand is holding Castiel gently but firmly, and there’s a heat flowing through his veins from this excitement. His heart is pumping rapidly as Dean reaches for the metal switch that opens the doors, the driver protesting loudly when the doors are ajar. The driver attempts to shut the doors before they can escape, but Dean is already pulling Castiel through the bus’s entrance. Castiel’s satchel throws him off balance, and Dean catches him before Castiel can crash into the vehicle beside the bus. Castiel feels himself grinning when his gaze locks onto Dean’s. Dean is smiling foolishly as well, and he guides Castiel through the cars and trucks, never losing his grip on Castiel. Cars honk at them, and someone even rolls down their window and yells profanity. They jump the curb and land on the sidewalk, and don’t stop running. Dean moves his hand to hold Castiel’s, still pulling him, looking back every so often to gouge Castiel’s reaction. Castiel has never felt so alive.

Dean turns into an alley with brick buildings on either side and Castiel leans against the red stone wall, catching his breath. “Have you done that before?” Castiel asks in between breaths. Dean props himself up against the wall beside Castiel.

He has a stupid smile on his face as he says, “No. I didn’t think that was gonna work if I’m being honest.”

“You’re so weird,” Castiel comments as he looks at Dean with a mixture between fondness and admiration.

Dean just pushes Castiel gently and Castiel is still smiling when Dean says, “I don’t know about you, but I’m not that tired anymore.”

Castiel forgot why they even left the bus at all. “Oops. That backfired,” he laughs.

“Let’s go get coffee or something,” Dean proposes. He sounds almost shy as he says it.

“Sounds good,” Castiel says. They both leave the alley and Castiel suggests going to Gabriel’s bakery.

“Sure, what’s it called?” Dean asks.

“La Casa.”

“Home? I don’t really remember Spanish from school, but I still know a bit,” Dean responds.

“Same. Gabriel speaks it fluently, so that’s why he named the bakery that,” Castiel says. Castiel avoids a lady pushing a baby in a stroller and steps closer to Dean.

“That’s cool. I think Sam goes there a few times a week,” Dean replies.

“Sam?” Castiel asks, raising his eyebrow as he looks at Dean.

Dean turns to him and nods. “Yeah, he’s my little brother, but he looks like Sasquatch.”

Castiel laughs, but then it hits him. He actually pauses on the sidewalk, and looks around as if confused. Dean stops as well then stands in front of Castiel. “Are you okay?” Dean questions. He puts his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

Castiel shakes his head, tilts it, and squints. “I think my brother likes your brother,” he states.

Dean chokes on air and Castiel keeps them moving by placing his hand in between Dean’s shoulders and pushing him gently. “What the hell?” Dean’s voice cracks on the last word.

Castiel just shrugs. “Gabriel talks about him and he was blushing the other day when Sam came into the bakery. He actually wanted me to confront Sam because he was too busy being nervous.”

Dean doesn’t say anything, just has a vacant look on his face. “Are you okay, Dean?” Castiel asks, concern marring his features.

Dean nods slowly. “Sam also talks about Gabriel.”

“Really?” Castiel almost passes the bakery, then turns them around and pushes open the door, the bell chiming their entrance.

“Yeah,” Dean says. Castiel takes his hand away and goes to the counter where Charlie is working alongside Gabriel.

Castiel tugs at Dean’s sleeve before they reach the counter.“We should be wingmen,” Castiel suggests.

Dean furrows his brow and asks, “To whom?”

“Gabriel and Sam,” Castiel says. “Sam must like Gabriel as well, right?”

“I don’t know, Cas,” Dean says. He pulls Castiel to the counter. Charlie smiles when she sees Castiel, and the harmless smile morphs into a shit-eating grin when she sees Dean.

“Who’s this, Cas?” Charlie asks.

Castiel feels heat crawling up his neck, understanding where Charlie is coming from. “Charlie, this is Dean, my friend,” Castiel makes sure to emphasize that he and Dean are not a couple. “Dean, this is Charlie.”

“Hiya,” Charlie says too happily, waving at Dean.

“Hi, Charlie,” Dean replies with a smile.

Charlie smiles mischievously, then looks to Castiel with a perplexed expression. “Why aren’t you in class?”

“We’re playing hooky,” Castiel says, glancing at Dean.

“Dorks,” Charlie mutters, and then she clears her throat as if she didn’t say anything at all. “What can I get you guys?” She asks.

“Just a black coffee for me,” Dean says and looks to Castiel.

“A mocha, please,” he responds.

Charlie types the order into the register and says, “Seven dollars, please.”

Castiel begins to lift up his satchel to root in a pocket for money when Dean is already placing a ten in Charlie’s pale hand. “Dean,” Castiel starts to protest, and Charlie notices, so she quickly stuffs the money into the register and gets the change for Dean.

“Too late,” she says with that shit-eating grin plastered on her face again. She passes the money to Dean and Castiel squints at Charlie’s back, trying to burn a hole through her as she turns to make their drinks. They step to the side and Gabriel leans against the other side of the counter to talk to them.

“Gabriel,” Gabriel states as he eyes Dean and sticks out his hand for Dean to shake.

“Dean,” Dean replies and shakes Gabriel’s hand. Castiel can’t help but imagine them as caveman as they say their names. He snickers at the thought and stops when both men give him funny looks.

“What are your intentions towards my brother, Dean-o?” Gabriel questions and raises an eyebrow.

“We’re just friends,” Dean replies, trying to look unaffected, but his burning ears are giving him away.

“You keep telling yourself that,” Gabriel chides and goes back to working.

Castiel hits Dean on the shoulder. “Hey, what was that for?” Dean groans, clutching his shoulder.

“I was going to pay,” Castiel says.

“Oh,” Dean smiles. “You can get it next time, man.”

Castiel squints at Dean then says, “You bet your ass I will.”

Dean laughs, throwing his head back. He looks so beautiful in this moment, so at ease and fascinating. Castiel wishes he could take a picture of Dean. His laugh is a sound Castiel will never be able to stop listening to. It’s like coming home after a long trip, and it makes Castiel’s stomach tighten.

Charlie comes by and passes them their coffees with a sly smile. “Stop it,” Castiel says, narrowing his eyes at her.

“No way,” Charlie replies with the smile still on her face.

“I don’t like you,” Castiel lies.

“You love me, you idiot,” Charlie laughs as she leaves them alone.

Castiel smiles fondly at her. He and Dean make their way to an empty table and after Castiel has taken a sip of his drink, Dean asks, “Do you really love her?”

“How do you mean?” Castiel asks. He takes the top off of his paper cup and sticks his finger in the melting whipped cream, scoops some up, and licks it off his finger. Dean is momentarily distracted by the action, then snaps back to reality.

“Like, _love_ love,” Dean says, looking distressed. His left hand is gripping the cup tightly and the other gesturing for emphasis.

“She’s like the second red haired sister I never had,” Castiel replies, shrugging. He stops for a moment, confused and asks, “Why?”

“No reason,” Dean mutters. His ears are scarlet again.

Castiel doesn’t think about it, but instead about how much he likes seeing Dean flustered. “Alright,” Castiel responds, grinning and sipping at his coffee.

“Why do you look like you know something I don’t?” Dean asks cautiously. He drinks his coffee as well.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Castiel says with a coy smile.

Dean narrows his eyes at him, but he also has a small grin marking his face. He kicks Castiel’s foot gently. Castiel boots him back, and they go back forth like that. Castiel is laughing as he tries to one-up Dean, and the other man is looking at Castiel like he’s a light in a dark world. Castiel feels his stomach erupt into butterflies. He doesn’t remember feeling like this since he was with Meg, and he suddenly wants to kiss Dean, who has tangled his feet with Castiel’s even though they’ve stopped playing footsie. Dean drinks more of his coffee, and Castiel loves Dean’s lashes, how they’re long and cover his jade eyes. He loves the freckles spotting Dean’s nose, and his full lips as they form over the lip of the cup. He loves the light stubble that hasn’t been shaven for a few days.

Castiel takes a deep, shuddering breath, and sips his coffee. _So much for not falling in love again_ , he thinks.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel is out with Anna, Gabriel, and Luke. They chill with Charlie for a bit then Dean invites Castiel over for a movie marathon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD I'M SORRY. School started up this week, so updates will probably be every weekend. I hope you enjoy this chapter! Sorry, again!

Castiel and Anna are at The Dusty Bookshelf, their favourite bookstore that is another home for them. Gabriel and Luke don’t like reading. Michael reads political books that he then tries to discuss with Castiel, but he never understands Michael. Balthazar reads trashy romance novels. He’s always complaining about them, but eighty percent of his library is of that genre. Anna reads a lot of non-fiction. She’s always expanding her mind with new ideas. She also reads biographies and history books. Castiel’s mother’s books are the same as Balthazar’s, except she appreciates them more than he does.

Castiel himself prefers science fiction or fantasy. He finds new worlds tantalizing, always imagining himself right beside the protagonist. He’s fought dragons, wizards, aliens, water nymphs, and so much more with his favourite characters. He puts himself in each new story and feels everything. He has lived every tragic back story, loved so fiercely it breaks his heart when he’s finished the tale, and felt so courageous he’s wondered why he was ever scared of anything at all.

Then when he’s alone at night in his room down the hall from his mother’s, he sometimes doesn’t feel so brave. Energy will dissipate from his body like fire escaping a dragon’s mouth. He’ll crash on his bed, then grow restless. He’ll need something to do, but he never knows what, so then he panics. Castiel will reach into his bedside table and rip through it till he finds that damned lighter that his father gave him before he left. His hand will burn and the pain reminds Castiel he’s still alive and there in that moment of time, that he’s real.

Anna is reaching for a book on the top shelf, but can’t get to it, so Castiel points to the book he thinks she wants, and when she nods, he takes it down to give to her. “Thank you, Castiel,” Anna says gratefully. She puffs a breath to move her bangs out of her face. They’ve fallen loose from her bun and frame her face prettily. Anna turns the book over and starts reading the summary of the novel.

“Does it sound good?” Castiel asks to make conversation. Gabriel and Luke had refused to come into the store, but when Anna mentioned they might have erotic novels, they shot in like an arrow, which didn’t surprise Castiel.

Anna hums a yes, and leaves to pay for the book at the counter. Castiel wonders and eyes novels and series curiously, only to leave them behind. At one point, Gabriel slithers up beside Castiel, holding a book with the cover of a man holding a woman’s naked waist on the cover in front of his face. _Why isn’t it the other way around?_ Castiel briefly wonders. “You don’t look very inconspicuous, Gabriel,” Castiel states.

Gabriel huffs. “I know that, I just want to talk to you.”

Castiel turns and squints at his brother. “About what?” Gabriel doesn’t usually talk one-on-one. He’s fidgeting and seems a little jumpy, unlike his normal cool demeanor.

“Dean,” Luke says, settling next to Castiel on his other side.

Castiel turns to look at his other brother, looking aghast. “Who told you about, Dean?”

Luke nods at Gabriel, who hides further behind the awful cover of the book. “Gabe told me,” Luke replies. “He couldn’t keep his mouth shut. I finally had to wrestle it out of him, and when he told me, oh boy,” Luke says, eyeing Castiel up and down, “you’re crazy.”

Castiel is confused. “Why?”

“That boy has baggage,” Luke states. He has his hands shoved so casually in his coat pockets, you’d think the three of them were discussing the weather.

Castiel shrugs. “We all have baggage.”

“Yeah, but that boy has a lot of it,” Gabriel’s muffled voice comes from behind the book.

“I probably have more,” Castiel mutters. That shuts his brothers up. They both know what Castiel is talking about.

After April 1st, all of Castiel’s siblings rushed home to take care of him. Even though he said he was fine, the cuts on his wrists and scars embedding his mind told everyone else otherwise. Luke was the one who shaved Castiel’s face when he started getting scruff, because their mother wouldn’t let him touch anything sharp. The way his brother had looked at him twisted Castiel’s stomach into knots. Luke’s face was stricken, was paler than usual, and that just made Castiel blame himself more. Gabriel was the one who slept in Castiel’s queen bed with him, to make sure he didn’t do anything as stupid as nearly committing suicide again. Gabriel would hold his brother’s hand to make sure he was still there. Anna was the one who helped Castiel’s wrists heal. She would clean them, which felt like they were being sliced open again. She would put gauze and Polysporin on the cuts, and then wrap them up. She would place a kiss on each wrist before ruffling his hair and standing up to leave him with his guilty conscience. Castiel’s mother is the one who would make him a mug of warm milk with honey and cinnamon before bed like she did for him when he was a child. She was also the one to hold his hand tightly when the doctor told them Castiel had depression. His heart broke every time she spoke gently to him.

“Wait,” Castiel mutters to himself, pulling himself back to reality. “How do you guys know he has baggage? What kind of baggage?” He looks to his brother. Gabriel hides further behind his book. He turns to Luke, who shrugs.

“It’s not really our story to tell, Cassie,” he says. He picks at a random hardcover on the shelf they’re standing in front of and starts skimming the summary on the back.

Castiel sighs. His brother is right, for once. He fidgets uncomfortably, wanting to know what Dean has to hide, but also not, at the same time. He wouldn’t like Dean any less if he knew of his past. Dean knows part of Castiel’s, and he still spends time with Castiel. But nothing is dampening the curiosity that is spiking through him.

 

When the four of them get to La Casa, there aren’t many people occupying the loved tables. Charlie is wiping down the counter, smiling to herself. Gabriel goes to the coffee machine and starts asking what his siblings want.

“A white chocolate mocha,” Castiel replies.

“Whoa, settle down, Castiel. Don’t want to change things up too much,” Gabriel says while chuckling.

Castiel squints at his brother. Once Anna and Luke have stated what they want, the three of them go to sit at an empty table. Charlie and Gabriel come around a few minutes later, each holding two drinks, plus one more for Charlie. They both sit down and hand out the drinks. Charlie sips at her coffee and asks, “Are you guys excited for Christmas?”

Luke nods. “I can’t wait. Maybe this year I’ll get that red bike I wanted when I was twelve.”

Charlie snorts and coughs on her inhaled coffee. Gabriel rubs at her back. “Yeah, we’re excited Charlie,” Gabriel says dryly.

“Where are Michael and Balthazar?” She asks when she’s stopped coughing.

“Couldn’t make it this year,” Anna says with a frown. She has whipped cream on the corner of her mouth, so Castiel gets a napkin and wipes her face. She grimaces and pushes him away. “I’m not five, Castiel.”

“That’s sucky,” Charlie replies. She sounds genuine.

Castiel feels sorry for his friend. Having her parents die when she was twelve, she was tossed around from foster home to foster home. She had a few nice Christmases, but others were horrible. She had told Castiel once that she couldn’t remember the last time she had felt like part of a family. After a year of knowing Gabriel and Castiel, however, she called them the brothers she never had. She blamed herself for her parents’ death. Castiel had held her incredibly close the day she confessed to that secret to him. She was crying after she started, saying how she was scared at a sleepover, had asked her mom and dad to pick her up, and that it should’ve been her, and why, oh why did she have to call them?

Castiel didn’t know people could be so fragile. He had wondered if that’s what his own family thought of him, then he thought that was probably all they thought of him. Fragile, weak, anything but strong, because he felt everything but that.

“Do you want to spend Christmas with us?” Castiel blurts. He doesn’t regret it however, because all that matters, right now, is making Charlie feel loved.

She’s stunned for a moment, and Gabriel gives his brother a weird look, but then understanding crosses his features. “Yeah, Charles,” Gabriel says playfully. He pats her shoulder. “We could use another redhead in the house for the holidays.”

“Oh, screw you, Gabe,” Anna hisses. She softens as she turns to Charlie. “We’d love to have you, though.”

Luke nods, taking a drink of his coffee. “Yes, we need you around since we’re already missing two crew members,” he says, referring to Balthazar and Michael.

Charlie is still shocked, but a grin is spreading across her face, and her eyes are shining as she says, “Yeah, I’d love that.”

Gabriel gives her a side hug and smiles back at her. “There, now most of us can be together, plus,” he says, directing this at Charlie, “I need you to help me mess up Lucas’s life.”

Luke kicks Gabriel under the table. “Don’t be a little bitch, Gabriel,” Luke warns.

Gabriel just sticks his tongue out at Luke. The bell above the door rings as another soul enters the warm bakery. Castiel turns to look at who it is, and is surprised to see Sam with Dean walk through the heavy wooden door. Castiel doesn’t know why, but his first reaction to seeing his friend is to stand up, nearly toppling over the table in the process, and saying, “Dean.”

Dean halts and looks over at Castiel’s corner, where his family is wearing odd expressions. Dean smiles easily when he sees Castiel. He pats Sam’s shoulder, motions to the other side of the bakery, and after receiving a nod, makes his way to Castiel. “Hey, Cas,” Dean says.

There’s snickering behind Castiel’s back, and he turns to see Charlie covering her face while Gabriel laughs into her shoulder. Luke looks passive and Anna is smiling at Dean. “Hi, I’m Anna, that’s Luke, Gabriel, and Charlie,” she says, pointing at the other three respectively.

“Dean,” Dean responds, holding up a hand to the small gathering. Dean returns to speaking to Castiel. “In about a half hour, there’s a marathon for Star Wars on TV, and I was thinking you should come over to watch them with me, if you want to.”

Dean says that all so nonchalantly, but Castiel’s heart has started pumping twice as hard, and there’s a floating feeling he’s never experienced before that makes him want to jump for joy and throw up at the same time. He decides he’ll do neither though, since that would be embarrassing, and replies with, “Sure.” He shrugs, trying to be as cool as a cucumber.

Dean’s smile widens, points his thumb over his shoulder towards the entrance and he says, “Great, we should get going ‘cause I need to get food.”

Castiel nods and says, “Yes, just give me a second, please.” He drinks the rest of his coffee in one gulp, wincing as it goes down, thanks Gabriel for the coffee and heads to throw his empty cup out.

“No funny stuff, Dean-o!” Gabriel calls from the other side of the bakery. Castiel feels his cheeks start to burn when Dean holds the door open for him, and they both leave Gabriel’s business.

 

Castiel is holding a grocery bag of food while Dean fishes around in the pocket of his leather jacket for his apartment key. The halls are yellowed with age, and the carpet is worn. Even though this would usually throw Castiel out of his comfort zone, he doesn’t feel uncomfortable. He feels safe when he is with Dean.

Dean lives in a nice area of Lawrence. The building is brick and has been around for a while, and Dean explained his landlord as “a cranky old bat, but nice.” Dean gets his key out of his pocket and twist the lock around for a second before the door opens. Castiel is pleasantly surprised. It’s small and spacious at the same time. There’s a small living room in front of him, and a tiny kitchen in the back left corner, with a window over the sink. It’s sunken below the living room, two steps leading down to it. In the far right corner, beside the kitchen, is a bed on a platform. A window lets in the dimming light. Off to Castiel’s right is a door which must lead to the bathroom.

Dean puts his key on a shelf hanging on a wall and takes the grocery bag from Castiel. Dean kicks his shoes off onto the mat, so Castiel does the same. “I know it’s not much,” Dean says. He sounds almost nervous. “It’s just its kind of hard getting a nice place when you’re working and going to school, ya know?”

“It’s cozy,” Castiel responds, still eyeing everything.

Dean hangs his jacket on a railing that separates the kitchen and living room, and chuckles. “That’s just another word for small.”

“Very good, Dean,” Castiel says without meaning to. Castiel copies him and takes off his coat.

“Thanks, I’ve been trying,” Dean replies with a laugh. Castiel’s lips quirk, and he goes to the kitchen to assist Dean. “What can I help with?” He asks.

“Uh, here,” Dean says, handing Castiel the frozen pizza box, “cook that.”

Castiel nods. “Pizza pan?”

Dean squats and gets a pan from the cupboard next to the oven. Castiel takes it from him to prepare their food.

And so things slip into place. Castiel watches Dean move around the small space with ease, putting the groceries in their proper places. Castiel finds it hard not to touch Dean while he does his own thing. He finds himself wishing things could be like this all the time.

Twelve minutes later, they’re sitting in front of the TV, with the pizza on the coffee table. Castiel munches on his food happily as Dean settles into the couch more, their arms touching. A small fire ignites itself inside Castiel and he finds himself grinning stupidly.

“What’s up?” Dean asks, staring at Castiel’s smile, then takes a bite of his pizza. He grins through his pizza, and Castiel’s make a disgruntled noise.

“That’s gross,” he says.

Dean just laughs, throwing his head back and nearly choking on his food. “You know you love it.”

“Not really,” Castiel says and sticks out his tongue like a child. Dean falters for a moment then turns back to the TV, which has started the marathon. “Wait,” Castiel says, confused, “This is the fourth movie?”

“No, it’s the first one,” Dean replies. He leans forward to grab his Coke and take a drink from it.

“But it just said it’s the fourth one,” Castiel reasons.

“It’s not. It was the first one to be released.”

“But why does it say-” Castiel is cut off by Dean’s hand slapping over his mouth. He lets out a surprised noise, and thinks he might stop breathing because suddenly Dean is leaning in, making Castiel’s thoughts jumble together into one colossal storm. _Oh shit_ , he thinks. That’s all that passes through his mind when Dean’s nose touches the back of the hand that’s pressed against Castiel’s mouth. They stare at each other for what seems like ages, but in truth is more like ten seconds. What’s going on with the movie? What’s even happening? What is Dean doing?

“Shut the fuck up, Cas,” Dean whispers gently. He doesn’t move quite yet, which gives Castiel the chance to swoon internally at the colour of Dean’s eyes. They seem slightly darker than usual, which could be a result of the lighting, but who cares? It’s giving Castiel that weird floating feeling again, and it feels amazing. In fact, all of this feels amazing. Dean removes his hand, but keeps his face the same distance away from Castiel’s. Castiel’s breath quickens, and oh my god, they _aren’t even doing anything_ , and his heart is beating a mile a minute. Dean looks down to Castiel’s mouth, and licks his lips. This is so distracting.

“Movie,” Castiel mutters, almost falling into distress.

That snaps Dean out of the trance, and just like that, the tension is severed. They go back to eating their pizza almost awkwardly. Castiel isn’t really paying attention to the film. He’s thinking about Dean, and what would have happened if either of them had leaned in that inch of space to close the gap. Castiel still feels weird.

 

Two movies later, they’re on the third movie, Castiel assumes, but Dean points out it’s actually the sixth one, which makes Castiel’s head hurt. A third of the way through, Castiel is so tired that he falls asleep against Dean. What seems like no time at all passes, and Castiel’s pillow leaves. Everything falls silent as the TV is shut off, and Castiel slowly rouses. “Dean?” Castiel asks, sleepily.

“Come here, buddy,” Dean says quietly. Dean edges his way around the table and wraps his arms around Castiel’s waist, pulling him up until they’re both standing. Castiel’s head lolls onto Dean’s shoulder as Dean guides them to his bed.

When Castiel is lying down, he feels like he’s melting into the covers, he’s so exhausted. Dean rolls over Castiel and hops up on the other side of the bed. He moves to his dresser, opens a drawer, and pulls out some clothes. Castiel feels fabric on his face a moment later. He pulls the shirt off of his face.

“Here,” Dean mutters. He shuffles around so his back is to Castiel, and lifts his shirt off of him. Castiel is fascinated with Dean’s back muscles for a moment. They look so sculpted, and he wants to let his fingers graze across them, but of course, he never lets that happen.

Castiel groggily sits up and begins unbuttoning his shirt with sluggish fingers. Dean’s leaves with a new shirt on and no jeans to turn off the light. Castiel pull the shirt over his head as best as he possibly can. When it feels like it’s on right, he takes off his pants and tosses them on the ground. His head falls on the soft pillow and he feels himself losing consciousness. Dean returns quickly and gets into the bed on the other side Castiel moves under the covers as well, not really thinking about where he is. All he knows is that he’s impossibly tired.

Castiel is vaguely aware of legs tangling with his own and warmth is settling over him, and then he’s out like a light.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel wakes up at Dean's and remembers he promised his mom to help around the house. Dean tags along, and things go uphill, then downhill from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD. ANOTHER CHAPTER BEFORE THE WEEKEND. YAY. So, I read a summary of Twist and Shout, like all of it, because I haven't read it all, and I cried for like, a whole fucking hour. I made the end of the chapter kind of sad because I'm so sad right now and I apologize if I make any of you sad. Okay? Okay, so have fun reading while I cry in the corner.

Castiel feels good when he wakes up. Good actually doesn’t even begin to describe it. It’s more like feeling tranquil and whole and amazing all wrapped up into your favourite dish. He senses that he’s being restricted by something, but he doesn’t seem to mind. He opens his mind to see a living room, where an empty pizza pan lays along with two cans of soda. Light streams in from a window behind him and into the small space. He breathes deeply, wrapped in the faint scent of laundry detergent, vehicle oil, and something else that just _works_. Where is he again?

He adjusts his position an inch, and finds he’s still unable to move very well. Castiel finally notices that there are limbs wrapped around his body, and he turns his head to the right slightly. He sees Dean’s jaw. _Dean. I’m at Dean’s_ , he recalls.

Dean’s face is pressed up against the back of Castiel’s neck, and his arm is slung over Castiel’s torso while their legs are still tangled.

Castiel’s heart flutters. He suddenly feels very hot. Way too hot. “Dean?” Castiel whispers and his voice cracks a bit.

Dean doesn’t do anything. Castiel attempts to unknot himself from Dean, but Dean only pulls Castiel back in when he tries to leave. Castiel huffs and sees that Dean is still asleep.

“Dean,” Castiel whispers again, more urgently this time. He feels uncomfortable, like he needs more air. It’s as if there’s a crushing weight on his chest.

Dean stirs a bit, and just snuggles his face into Castiel’s neck more, making Castiel tense up. He swears he can hear his heartbeat. His breathing grows more ragged. _There’s not enough space._

“Dean, please,” Castiel pleads. He feels as if his lungs might stop working. Dean loosens his hold slightly. It’s enough for Castiel to kick Dean away roughly and roll off the bed. Dean wakes up and protests loudly, even though half of it is mumbled because he’s just woken. Castiel is embarrassed beyond belief, so he stays face down on the floor, not moving a muscle or saying anything. He tries to even out his breaths.

“What the…” Dean trails off, voice thick. “Cas?” The bed shifts and covers are being moved.

Dean saying Castiel’s name like that makes his stomach twist. He still doesn’t talk though. He’s mortified at over reacting.

“What are you doin’ down there, Cas?”

Castiel jumps. _Duh, of course he’d find you_ , his subconscious taunts. Castiel turns and finds Dean’s face peaking over the edge of the bed, grinning at him.

“Um,” Castiel begins, racking his brain for something. “There was a spider in the bed.”

Quicker than Castiel can blink, Dean is off the bed and ripping off the covers. “Where?” Dean asks fiercely. He moves to his dresser and grabs a book off the top of it, and holds it above the bed, as if to drop it on anything that moves.

Castiel gets up on his knees and props his elbows up on the edge of the bed. He grins widely. “Dean Winchester, are you scared of spiders?”

“No,” Dean says quickly, keeping his eyes on the mattress, “but that doesn’t mean I want one crawling all over me while I’m snoozing. Lord of the Rings freaked me out on that front.”

Castiel tilts his head at Dean, and he looks at Castiel now. “Don’t give me those big blue puppy dog eyes, man,” Dean says, exasperatedly. He tosses the book on the bed.

“I’m not giving you puppy eyes, Dean,” Castiel says confused even more now. “I also don’t understand that reference.”

“You’ve never watched Lord of the Rings?” Dean asks, looking offended.

“No,” Castiel replies. He stands up and Dean is watching him intensely. Castiel doesn’t know what to do, so he stares back.

“You need to watch it,” Dean states, still watching him.Castiel feels uneasy. Then he remembers.

“My mom!” Castiel exclaims. He slaps his hand to his forehead, bends down and starts pulling on his pants that had been left on the ground. He yanks off Dean’s shirt and reaches for his discarded button up.

“What about your mom?” Dean asks. Castiel looks up at him because he said that weird, and Dean is staring at Castiel’s chest.

“Uh,” Castiel says hurriedly, tugging on the shirt, watching as Dean moves his gaze to Castiel’s eyes, “she wanted me to help with baking and wrapping presents today. What time is it?”

Dean looks at the alarm clock on the bedside table. “It’s eleven thirty.” “I really need to go,” Castiel says. He goes to the banister to throw his trench coat on and hears Dean catching up to him.

“Wait, do you have to go now?” Castiel spins and sees Dean wince.

“What?” Castiel asks, mainly because of the wince.

“Nothing,” Dean says. He rubs the back of his head, ruffling his short hair.

Castiel turns back and makes his way to the door. “Wait,” Dean calls out again.

“What, Dean?” Castiel says loudly.

“Lemme take a quick shower, then I’ll come with you,” he says. Before Castiel can even protest or say anything, Dean is running to the bathroom.

 _He didn’t even take a change of clothes_ , Castiel thinks. His cheeks heat as he realizes what Dean will have to do. Castiel feels antsy, so he decides to clean up the mess he helped create.

He finds a broom propped up in a corner of the kitchen and sweeps up the place. He folds up the blanket he used last night and hangs it over the back of the couch. He does the few dishes, putting the cans in the recycling bag, and wipes up the coffee table in the living room with a dish cloth. Castiel goes to the bedroom and pulls the duvet up over the bed, tucking in the corners. He straightens the pillows and he hears a door open.

Castiel doesn’t have time to mentally prepare himself. Dean walks up the steps to the bedroom, looking at ease, when Castiel is anything but, because his best friend is naked save for the towel wrapped around his waist.

“Dean,” Castiel squeaks. He looks anywhere but at the other man, who chuckles.

“Yeah?”

“What the hell?” Castiel says. He can’t even form a coherent thought right now. What is wrong with Dean? Did he plan this? Is he trying to make Castiel uncomfortable? He’s succeeding if that’s what he wanted.

“What?” Dean asks. Castiel can hear the smirk in his voice. His face feels like it’s on fire.

“Never mind, I’ll be outside,” Castiel mutters. He finally looks at Dean, who shrugs and lets his towel drop. Dean’s back is to Castiel, but it’s still enough to make Castiel want to hide in a hole for nine years, because _damn it_ , Dean is gorgeous, and Castiel shouldn’t let himself think about his best friend like that. It’s not right. But why does it feel like it is?

Dean steps out of his apartment as Castiel hears Ms. Denner, Dean’s neighbour, say, “You better look out for that boy, dear. He’s trouble.” She started talking to Castiel when she saw he was alone. She had frowned when she heard he was friends with Dean.

Dean slams the door loudly, and Ms. Denner jumps. “Sweetheart, I’m very old,” Ms. Denner says. She throws him an icy glare for good measure.

“I know that, Ms. Denner,” Dean says with a perfect smile. He locks his apartment door and turns to Castiel. “Ready?”

Castiel nods and walks down the hall and down the two flights of stairs and out onto the street with Dean in tow. Castiel walks faster than Dean, and he notices his friend lagging behind but doesn’t stop.

“Jesus Cas, would ya slow down for a sec?” Dean asks. He catches up to Castiel and tugs on his coat sleeve, pulling him to a stop. Why the hell is it so cold today?

Castiel feels himself starting to shiver. He can see the breath clouds that escape his mouth. He shoves his hands stubbornly into his coat pockets. Dean notices Castiel’s shivering and rubs his hands up and down Castiel’s arms. “Cas, what’s wrong?”

“I’m angry with you,” Castiel replies with a frown.

“What? Why?” Dean asks, and then it hits him. He takes a step forward, but when Castiel shoots him a glare, backs away. “Is this because of the whole towel thing?” Castiel doesn’t say anything, just continues scowling at his best friend. “It is,” Dean says, looking like a light bulb has gone off in his head. “Look, I’m sorry, man.”

“I was your guest, Dean,” Castiel says bitterly.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Dean keeps rubbing his hands on Castiel’s arms, and he feels himself starting to warm up despite being pissed at Dean.

Castiel keeps his frown on his face. “Don’t do that again.”

“I won’t,” Dean says. He stops warming Castiel to straighten the lapels of his coat instead. Castiel finds that odd, but doesn’t say anything, because it’s nice in a way.

Castiel stares at Dean for a moment. He seems sincere. “You’re still a jerk,” Castiel decides.

“I know,” Dean says, his lips twitching into a smile.

Castiel punches Dean’s arm lightly. “Come on. You have to meet my mother now.”

Dean leads them in the direction of the bus stop.

 

When Castiel opens the door to the white clapboard house, he hears Gabriel screaming something about not being fair. He kicks off his shoes and goes past the kitchen and into the living room where his brothers and Charlie are playing Rock Band on their Wii. Anna sits in the corner on her favourite recliner, reading the book she got yesterday at The Dusty Shelf.

“It’s Rock Band, I can’t cheat at it,” Charlie reasons. She’s on guitar and on hard mode from what he can tell from the amount of notes on her screen.

“Don’t lie to me, Charles, I know you can cheat,” Gabriel says, trying to keep up on his easier level and struggling.

“You just suck,” Luke laughs. He bangs on the drums, going into a solo.

“Hello,” Castiel says as way of greetings.

Anna looks up from her book and smiles at seeing Castiel. “Hey Cas, hi Dean,” she says, offering a small wave. “How was the marathon?”

“Confusing,” Castiel says. “I don’t understand it.” “That’s because you fell asleep during the third movie,” Dean says while clapping Castiel on the back.

“But it was the sixth movie,” Castiel argues.

“No, third one, buddy.”

Castiel groans and asks the group, “Where’s Mom?”

“I think she’s in the kitchen,” Charlie answers, finishing her own solo. The song ends and it shows the scores. She was the best player. “Eat it, bitches!” She cries, running over to Anna and getting a high five from her.

Castiel leaves his siblings and pushes Dean into the kitchen, where he finds his mother at the worn kitchen table, reading the newspaper and sipping at her coffee.

“Hi, Mom,” Castiel says. He bends down to give her a kiss on the cheek. “Do you want coffee?” He asks Dean. “Or food?”

“Yeah, please, I’m starving,” his friend answers.

“Castiel,” his mother grabs his attention, “where were you last night and who is this?” She eyes Dean then looks at her son.

“This is Dean, he’s a friend,” Castiel says while throwing his coat on the back of a chair. He goes to the corner top cupboard and reaches up, grabbing his favourite and second favourite mug. “I was at his last night.”

“Hello, Ms. Novak,” Dean says politely. He stretches out his hand to shake hers.

“Hello, dear,” she smiles.

Castiel hands Dean his second favourite mug. “Hey, you remembered how I like my coffee,” Dean mentions with a small smile. He takes a drink and hums.

“Yeah, it’s not elaborate or anything,” Castiel says nonchalantly, but he feels his face start to burn, so he goes back to preparing his own coffee.

“I’ve never heard of you, Dean,” Castiel’s mother says. “How did you two meet?”

Castiel drops the spoon he was going to use for stirring his coffee. Even though more music has started playing from the living room, and Castiel can see the TV, the spoon clattering to the tile floor is deafening in itself. He apologizes and bends to retrieve the spoon. He looks up to see Dean staring at him, with a worried frown etching his features, from across the kitchen. He turns back to his coffee, wiping the spoon on his slacks, not really thinking about that at the moment. What should he say? _Funny story, Mom. Remember that night when I scared everyone in the family and nearly committed suicide. Dean actually was the one who convinced me not to go through with it_. But now that Castiel thinks about it, his mother would probably smother Dean and thank him a million times over. He doesn’t see any cons to telling his mother the truth. So, why not?

“He’s the one,” Castiel says simply. Nobody says anything, except for Gabriel screeching that Luke is cheating now.

“Well, if you really feel that way, honey, I suppose I can support this, though I don’t know him,” Castiel’s mother says.

Castiel groans, and even though he knows he’s blushing, he turns to his mom with his coffee cup clutched in his hand. “No, Mom,” Castiel says exasperatedly. He doesn’t dare look at Dean. “I mean he’s the one who convinced me to not go through with it.”

“Through with what?” She says but then pauses, and her face grows pale, and Castiel hates that he thought it was a good idea to have brought that up in the first place. Her blue eyes get teary and she says, “Wait, you mean when you thought about- about that?”

Castiel swallows the lump in his throat and nods numbly. Is she going to be mad at him for bringing it up? She’s always said she’s here for him if he ever feels that way again, but that doesn’t mean she wants to be reminded.

His mother puts her hand to her mouth and chokes up for a moment. She then turns to Dean and when Castiel meets his eyes, he finds something stirring behind them and even though he feels a weird stretch between them, he knows what’s going on in Dean’s mind.

Castiel’s mother stands and goes to Dean, holding his face in her hands. Dean looks at her, and she looks so small next to him. “Thank you,” she says, voice thick, “thank you so much Dean, for helping my son.” She pulls him into a hug and he hugs her back and Castiel feels amazing, like life is a beautiful gift and nothing can ruin this right now for him.

 

It’s evening now, and the sun went down hours ago. Gabriel is passed on the couch with Luke sitting on him, also sleeping. Anna is in her room hanging out with Charlie, Castiel’s mother is in the study across the hall from the kitchen, doing paperwork. Dean isn’t anywhere in sight, though his jacket is still hanging on the back of a kitchen chair. Castiel is doing the dishes from dinner earlier.

After the hugging stopped, Castiel helped his mother wrap presents, and Dean helped her wrap Castiel’s. Castiel was left to sit in the hall outside of the study, and he listened to his mother and Dean laugh and exchange information about themselves. It made him smile. After that was done, Gabriel, Luke, Castiel, and Dean made gingerbread men in the kitchen while Charlie and Anna sat on the bar stools at the counter that separates the living room and kitchen. Luke and Gabriel ended up getting flour everywhere, including on Castiel, so he had done the right thing and thrown some back at them. The kitchen was a mess by the time the cookies were actually in the oven. Everyone was covered in flour and sugar and cinnamon, and Castiel’s mother came in with a camera while everyone was laughing at something Gabriel had said about Luke’s taste in ingredients and how he shouldn’t wear his food. She took a picture of them all together, smiling herself, and when Castiel looked at it later, he realized he’d been looking at Dean, and Dean had been staring at him also.

His stomach twists, thinking about the way they had gazed at each other, and he smiles softly to himself. He looks up from washing the dishes and the window in front of the sink shows the reflection of the man Castiel had just been thinking about. He jumps a bit. “Hey,” Castiel says, turning slightly so he can look at Dean better.

“Need a hand?” Dean asks. He doesn’t wait for an answer, and grabs a dish towel off of a hook.

“Yes,” Castiel replies. “Thanks.” Dean grunts in response and takes a dish out of the sink and starts wiping it dry.

Castiel squints and him, and tilts his head to the side, looking at his friend. “Are you alright?” Dean seems off. He’s more quiet than usual.

Dean shrugs and dries the mug he’d used earlier. He puts it down on the wooden counter and then another dish is in his hands. “Dean?” Castiel asks. He puts his right hand on his friend’s shoulder without thinking, and it leaves a hand print on Dean’s shoulder. Castiel mutters sorry and wipes the rest of the water and suds on his own button up shirt.

“It’s nothing,” Dean mumbles. He picks up another dish and keeps drying, like a broken record he just continues.

Castiel frowns. “Dean, you know you can talk to me if you’re upset, right?” Dean still doesn’t anything, so Castiel punches him gently in the arm. “Dean, please don’t ignore me.”

“I miss my family, Cas,” Dean says suddenly. He puts the now dry plate and turns to lean against the counter. He crosses his arms, the towel hanging from his right hand.

Castiel frowns even more. “Can’t you just go see them?” He doesn’t get it.

Dean sighs. “My parents are six feet under.” He turns and goes back to drying a cookie sheet.

Castiel’s eyes widen as he realizes what Dean said. His heart pounds, and feels like it’s going to fall out of his chest. He stops scrubbing another cookie sheet and swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat. “How…?” He leaves the questions hanging.

“Our house burned down the summer after I met you. Mom got trapped inside,” Dean chokes out. He pulls his lips into his mouth then continues bitterly, “and then Dad turned to alcohol to numb the pain. We traveled around for a while because he just could stay put. He was restless and needed to keeping moving. My uncle Bobby didn’t want Dad to do that to us, so he took us for a while. He lives in South Dakota. I had to stay with Sammy. I know I could have left, but I didn’t want to leave my baby brother.” Dean stops wiping at the dish in his hands. Castiel doesn’t say anything; he’s sacred he’ll break whatever has fallen between them. “Bobby was a better father than the one I’d been stuck with my whole life. Dad kept going from state to state until he was out one night in Oklahoma and was stabbed to death outside a bar.”

“Oh my God,” Castiel breathes out.

Dean nods. “I know. Terrible, ain’t it?” Castiel nods and goes back to washing the last mug. “Anyways,” Dean continues, “I worked in Bobby’s mechanic shop until Sam was finished high school. We only just moved out this summer. He moved in with a friend of his from before we left. Her name’s Jess. Now they’re together and we’re in our first year of college.”

“Gabriel is going to be crushed,” Castiel says while looking at his brother sprawled on the couch over the half wall.

Dean laughs. “Yeah, I guess so. I forgot he had a thing for Sammy.”

“It seemed like Sam was interested in Gabriel, though,” Castiel says with a frown. He empties the dirty dish water and washes his hands.

“Maybe he was, but I don’t think he’ll stick to it. I should tell him to stop being so nice because people mistake it for flirting,” Dean says. Castiel takes the dish towel from him and dries his hands. He starts putting dishes away. Dean puts the mugs away, because he saw where Castiel got them out of earlier.

“Leave the Eeyore mug out, please,” Castiel says.

Dean looks at him with a smirk. “Is this your coffee cup?”

Castiel squints at Dean. “Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?” He challenges.

“No, no, it’s cute,” Dean says, looking down at the mug. He realizes his mistake though, and soon his ears are burning. He snaps his head up to look at Castiel with frantic eyes. “I-I mean it’s not cute, it’s super manly, I-”

He’s cut off by Castiel laughing at Dean’s flustered self. He’s never seen him like this before and he wishes he had the camera to capture this moment. Before Castiel realizes what he’s doing, besides the laughing at Dean’s expense and embarrassment part, he’s leaning over to Dean and pecking him on the lips.

It only lasts for a second, a harmless kiss that is warm and shoots a small spark through Castiel’s veins, making his heart skip a beat. He’s surprised that he didn’t even hesitate, that it felt so natural, them acting like that together. Dean’s cheeks are redder now and Castiel feels his own face growing hot.

“Sorry, oh no, I’m so sorry,” Castiel says. He doesn’t know why he’s apologizing. Maybe it’s because he’s scared Dean won’t want to be his friend anymore. Or maybe it’s because he’s just terrified of Dean leaving. He doesn’t want that, not at all. Dean doesn’t do anything, and that just fuels Castiel’s fear. Dean just stares at him, and Castiel feels himself getting more and more worried. “Dean?”

“I-I, it’s okay, no biggie,” Dean stutters. For some reason, that stings.

“I’m sorry, Dean, it won’t happen again,” Castiel reassures him, though he feels bitter in doing it.

Dean puts the mug on the counter and asks, “Why do you want it?”

“What? The mug?”

“No,” Dean says, then stops himself, and instead says, “yeah, actually. Are you having more coffee? Kind of late for that.”

“I was going to make some tea,” Castiel replies, and reaches into the cupboard closest to him, pulling out the kettle. He goes to fill it with water, then puts it on the stove to let it boil.

“Cas?” Dean says hesitantly.

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel turns back to look at his friend, only to find him closer than he expected.

“I’m sorry,” he says. He takes a step back when he realizes he’s invading personal space.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Castiel shrugs, though he still feels like his chest is caving in. They’re saying sorry too much.

Dean’s quiet, then he reaches for his jacket and Castiel feels his calm dissolve. “I better head out. It’s getting late,” Dean says in a rush. He’s out in the hallway before Castiel can protest, though he doesn’t have any energy left to do so. He just follows Dean and sees him putting his shoes on. “See ya, Cas.”

“Bye, Dean,” Castiel replies, feeling a part of himself leaving with Dean.

“I’ll call you,” he says. Castiel knows he probably won’t, and that makes everything hurt.

“Okay,” Castiel responds, holding in his screams of frustration. He doesn’t want Dean to leave. Castiel never wanted it to be like this. Dean is meant to stay. He isn’t supposed to be like Meg and just leave. But Dean isn’t like Meg. He’s better. He’s like rain after a drought, or like seeing the ocean for the first time, or breathing in crisp fall air, and he’s still leaving.

Dean punches Castiel playfully in the arm before smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. His best friend leaves, and Castiel knows he has royally fucked up.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel drags Castiel out of the house to go help him at the community center, and Dean comes for a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God, what, another chapter? Wow. I love you guys so much. I'm trying to get better with making the chapters longer and stuff, like I dunno, do you guys like the chapter length? I feel like they're so short. Another chapter might not be up till next week now because family stuff is going on this weekend for me, so sorry. 
> 
> Also, that was my first kiss scene, so sorry if it sucked, I know it probs does, but oh well. Just tell me what you think and what I could improve on and I'll do my best to make the next one better.
> 
> Alright! Enjoy reading!

Castiel swallows his medicine with a cup of orange juice the next morning. He feels wrong. He has a bad taste in his mouth, and hardly slept at all last night. He kept having dreams about Dean leaving his life in so many different ways, and it was painful every time. The radio is on and is playing Jingle Bell Rock while his mother moves around the kitchen in her robe, making breakfast for the household.

“Aren’t you excited, Cas?” Mom asks. She flips a pancake on the pan, her back to him. She hums along to the song.

“For what?” Castiel questions. He downs the last of his juice then gets up to pour a second cup of coffee for himself.

“For Christmas, sweetheart!” His mom exclaims. She turns, with one hand gripping the spatula. Castiel shrugs and his mom frowns. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Nothing,” Castiel mutters. He sips the coffee and scrunches his nose when he realizes he forgot to put cream and sugar into the drink.

“No,” his mom scolds, “remember? We talked about this. If something is wrong, you can’t leave me out of the loop anymore.”

Regret sails through him as he sees the sadness seep into his mother’s eyes. He hadn’t meant to do that. He hadn’t meant to do so many things, and yet he’s still messing up everything. “It’s Dean,” Castiel shrugs and sips more of his coffee, not even bothering with sweetening it. How the hell can Dean drink coffee without sugar and cream?

“What about, Dean? Did you guys fight?” His mom furrows her brow. “Actually, I was going to ask where he went off to.”

“Why?”

“I thought he would’ve stayed the night.” She places the pancake on a plate and puts foil over it, pouring more batter into the pan. “Can you get the syrup and butter, please?”

Castiel goes to the fridge to get both items and sets them on the table. “No, we didn’t fight,” Castiel finally says.

“Then what’s the matter?”

Castiel goes back to his mug of unhappiness and grimaces. “I kissed him.”

“And how was that?” His mother asks.

Castiel frowns. “You’re not mad?”

She turns back to face him. “Why would I be mad?”

“I-I don’t know,” Castiel stammers. He drinks some more coffee, loving the burn.

“Because you kissed a man?” Castiel nods slowly. His mother laughs. “Cas, just because you love someone who has the same bits as you, doesn’t mean I could love you any less or be mad at you for that.”

Castiel’s smile is small. “Thanks, Mom.”

“But what’s wrong with kissing, Dean?” His mother asks. “It seemed like he likes you, too.”

“I don’t know,” Castiel says. He wraps his hands around the mug, and even though it hurts, he keeps doing it, because then it’ll make the hollowness in his chest feel less empty. “We were just goofing around and then I kissed him. He left afterwards. I don’t think he wants to see me again,” Castiel says, looking down and frowning at the Eeyore mug, like it’s its fault everything happened.

“Honey,” his mom says, flipping the pancake then putting the spatula down and making her way over to him. She places her hands on his face. “It’s been what, twelve hours? I’m sure it’s fine. You both can forget about it and go back to the things were.” She pats his cheek.

“Mom, I don’t want to forget it,” Castiel says, his stomach twisting into uncomfortable knots at the thought. He doesn’t want to forget the kiss. He wants to remember the spark he felt, the joy he experienced before the peck, and everything in between then and the beginning of their meeting.

“I’m going to go lay down. I don’t feel that great,” Castiel mutters. His mother steps away, looking as sad as Castiel feels.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes, but Castiel just shrugs and takes his bitter drink to his room with him.

He listens to sad songs for the rest of the day, feeling as if he just broke up with someone, even though they’d never dated in the first place.

 

“Hey, Cassie,” Gabriel barges into his brother’s room. Castiel sits up on his bed after staring at the ceiling for what seems like hours. Castiel has a Santa suit on, complete with the beard and pillow stuffed shirt.

“Gabe? What are you doing?” Castiel reaches over to pause the music playing from his stereo.

“We are going to do God’s work,” Gabriel grins.

“And what is God’s work?” Castiel asks as he stands up and stretches, cracking his back as he does so.

“Giving gifts to families who can’t afford any, now go have a shower. You reek and we need to get going,” Gabriel says and shoves Castiel out of his room. Gabriel roots through Castiel’s dresser and pulls out random clothes before throwing them at Castiel.

 

“Hey, Santa,” the bus driver calls to Gabriel as they step onto the bus, both carrying two bags of donated toys.

Castiel hands the driver the change and they make their way to the middle of the vehicle. They plop down with the bags in their laps. “Where did these all come from anyways?” Castiel asks. He shifts a red velvet bag around so he can look out the window.

“People bring in gifts at the bakery. I have that donation tree, duh,” Gabriel says.

Castiel nods, remembering now. “Where are we going then?”

“The community center,” his brother replies.

They’re silent for a few minutes. They pass by the bus stop by Dean’s place, and Castiel’s stomach clenches. “So,” Gabriel says suggestively, “you and Dean?”

Castiel’s face turns to stone. “No. I don’t even know that we’re friends anymore,” he says bitterly.

“Ah, c’mon bro, don’t be like that,” Gabriel says and bumps his shoulder with Castiel’s as best he can under the mountain of toys. “He’ll come around. It’ll be either for sex or friendly marathoning again.”

Castiel’s face flames. “Oh my God, Gabe!” He cries. He sits and fumes silently, then thinks about the movie marathon that last happened. That could’ve led to something more, if they hadn’t been so tired. They had cuddled the entire night, though. Castiel’s face burns even more.

“Ah, I struck a nerve,” Gabriel mutters. “No matter. You’re about to help me make a lot of families happy by giving them presents.”

Castiel sighs. “Yeah, I know. That’s all that matters right now. Hey, where’s Charlie?”

“She went home this morning. She said she’s getting more stuff to bring with her so she can stay till after Christmas.”

Castiel nods and the bus pulls to a stop at a downtown bus shelter. “Come on, little brother,” Gabriel says excitedly. “We’ve got families to make happy.”

After ten minutes of walking from the bus stop to the community center, they reach their destination. It takes a few minutes to get Gabriel through the back door because he overfilled his shirt, and he nearly falls onto the linoleum door, but Castiel uses every ounce of strength he has to hold his brother up. They get the toys in and soon a volunteer at the center welcomes the families and says Santa’s going to be coming out now.

“Yeah, coming out of the closet,” Gabriel mutters, before running out of the hall they’re hiding in. Gabriel drags two bags behind him and yells, “Ho, ho, ho! Hi, kids! Are you excited?” There’s shrieking and Castiel smiles. He peaks around the corner and sees over a dozen kids swarming his brother. Gabriel laughs deeply, and then sits on the chair that’s been provided. “Alright!” Gabriel booms cheerily. “Who wants to sit on Santa’s lap?” Several children try clamoring on top of him at once, but one little girl gets the seat.

“What’s your name little one?” Gabriel asks.

“Emily,” the girl squeaks, tugging on Gabriel’s beard.

“Ho, ho, ho, what a pretty name! And what do you want for Christmas, Emily?”

“A monster truck!” She squeals. Gabriel laughs again.

“I think I have just the gift for you,” he says, gets the bag nearest him, reaching in and rooting through till he pulls out a remote controlled monster truck.

The girl shrieks and claps her hands joyfully. “Have you been a good girl, Emily?” Gabriel asks.

“Yes, yes, yes!” Emily cries, reaching for her gift.

“Alright, ho, ho, here you go, sweetheart!” Gabriel’s voice rumbles.

And so it continues like this. The children love Gabriel, and the families are smiling and taking pictures of their kids with Santa. Castiel eventually has to bring out the other two bags of toys. The children crowd him, and ask him who he is, what’s his name, is he an elf, because if he is, then he’s too tall and not elf enough.

“Ah, thank you Missus,” Gabriel says while taking the bags.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Clause,” Castiel replies with a forced smile because of the Missus remark. The children pull at Castiel and beg him to sit with them while they all wait their turns. Castiel sits cross legged on the ground, and a child with a doll crawls into his lap and talks about their toy. More children go up to receive their gifts, and then soon they’re all seated around Castiel with the presents, waiting for Gabriel to read them a Christmas story. Two children have wrapped themselves up in an empty toy sac and snuggle together as Gabriel starts to read.

Kids bunch together around Castiel, leaning on him or each other as they listen attentively to Santa, who captures their attention by acting out half of the story and making everyone laugh. Castiel feels happier now.

 

“Ho, ho, ho, bye kids! Remember to be good so Santa can give you presents again next year!” Gabriel booms, shaking his belly then giving one massive group hug to all the children. They all beg him to stay, but he says something about, “Needing to get back to the workshop so he can prepare for next year.”

“That was a really good thing you did, Gabe,” Castiel says, while forcing his brother through the back door of the community center. Most of the families stayed for coffee and treats before heading home for the evening. The sun has nearly disappeared from the inky sky, and stars litter the darkness here and there.

“Yeah,” Gabriel huffs, his breath coming out as small clouds. “That was worth it, whatever ‘it’ is.”

Castiel hums in agreement. A fresh layer of snow has covered the ground in the past few hours. Castiel trudges through it, careful not to slip on any hidden patches of ice. Gabriel apparently doesn’t have the same idea.

“HO, HO, HOLY SHIT!” Gabriel shouts as he hits an icy patch and falls on his ass. Castiel starts howling with laughter, clutching at his sides, while Gabriel grumbles and holds out his hand so Castiel can help him up. Castiel takes hold of his brother’s gloved hand, only to be yanked down onto the pavement. Snow shoots up over Castiel’s collar and worms its way down his neck and chest, turning to liquid.

Castiel yelps at the sudden cold. “Gabriel, you assbutt!” He pushes his brother away from him with his boot and laughs as Gabriel spins due to the amount of pillows under his top.

“Help me, you bastard!” Gabriel demands, trying to roll over again.

“I think I should just leave Santa here for the wolves,” Castiel grins and pushes himself up, wiping his snow covered hands on his trench coat. He should’ve brought gloves.

“There are like, no fucking wolves in Kansas, wise ass,” Gabriel groans as he attempts to stand. Castiel finally has the decency to help him.

“Whatever,” Castiel laughs. Gabriel’s hat is askew and a pillow is peeking out from underneath the red, velvety jacket. Gabriel grumbles as he picks up the sacs he dropped and shoves Castiel out of his way. Castiel follows him and continues snickering the whole way back home.

~

“You can’t tell Mom I said that, okay?” Gabriel commands as he opens the door to the white house with blue Christmas lights.

“Why not? It was hilarious,” Castiel reasons.

“I will never speak to you again if you tell our mother that I said ho, ho, holy shit,” Gabriel threatens while nearly poking Castiel’s eye out with his finger.

“Fine, you can stop talking to me then,” Castiel says with a grin as he kicks off his boots.

Gabriel groans and turns on his heel with a huff, storming through the house, yelling for Mom. “In here, honey,” she calls from the living room.

Gabriel enters the room like a hurricane, shouting, “YOU’RE PROUD OF ME, RIGHT? HEY-” and he suddenly stops. He clears his throat and turns to look at Castiel, who is still in the front entrance. “Oh, hi Dean,” Gabriel says while making hand gestures at Castiel.

Castiel doesn’t get it what his brother is trying to articulate, but he feels his heart beat picking up at having Dean here again. Castiel subconsciously runs his hand through his hair, probably making it more problematic than actually fixing it. His palms start to feel damp and butterflies float around his stomach. Why does Dean have to have this effect on him? Castiel wipes his clammy hands on his jeans and takes off his coat, revealing his Beatles t-shirt before heading towards the living room. A million thoughts pass Castiel’s mind. Why is Dean here? Is this it, the moment where Dean ends the friendship they’ve built over the past week? Wait, it’s only been a week. _Oh God_. It’s gone too fast. It’s supposed to take longer than this to get to know someone. Castiel’s taken this quicker than he would’ve expected. Dean is probably freaked out by Castiel, and that’s why he’s going to leave. That’s why everyone always leaves. They can’t keep up with Castiel, he’s always had this problem, and he’s never thought to change. That’s why he’s always had a hard time keeping friends.

He feels like a weight is crushing him as Gabriel shoves him into the living room and grabs their mother by the hand, leading them out. Now it’s just Dean, sitting on the couch with his jacket in his hands and his Henley hugging his torso perfectly, and Castiel, who feels like he’s going to throw up. This is so messed up.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says with a small smile.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel replies, not smiling.

“Are you okay?” Dean asks, concern edging into his voice. “It looks like you’re gonna be sick.” _You have no idea_ , Castiel thinks. He tosses his trench coat onto the chair in the corner and sits on the other end of the couch, keeping his distance from Dean.

“I’m fine,” Castiel manages. He hooks his fingers together and fiddles with them. Dean should just say it so he can leave and Castiel can go back to being mostly friendless.

“I’ve never really seen you in casual clothes,” Dean comments, shocking Castiel. He looks up in confusion and Dean reaches over to play with the sleeve of Castiel’s t-shirt. Castiel freezes for a moment, then thinks about why Dean is being so like his usual self-ish. “I like it,” Dean says, seemingly intrigued by Castiel’s shirt.

“Oh, uh, thank you,” Castiel replies, feeling flustered and oh no, his cheeks are warming. He pinches is fingers to stay calm.

Dean chooses this moment to look up at Castiel’s face, and he smiles when he sees Castiel’s blush. _Curse you, Dean Winchester_. “What do you want, Dean?” Castiel asks, a little harshly. Dean is pissing him off. First, he didn’t like the kiss that Castiel gave him, which is fine, but now he’s acting cutesy with him and like he likes him, and now Castiel is the person who can’t keep up with someone. He doesn’t blame all the people who left him now, not that he did in the first place. He always put that guilt on himself, and he sees he was right to.

“I just wanted to talk,” Dean says, taking his hand away. Castiel relaxes slightly. Dean doesn’t move away though. Castiel doesn’t even recall when Dean inched closer, but it is probably when he was playing with Castiel’s shirt.

“About what?” Castiel asks, being dumb. He looks down to his interlocked fingers, and briefly wonders what it would feel like to hold Dean’s hand. He soon banishes the thought.

“About last night,” Dean replies. He knocks his knee with Castiel’s, and Castiel stares at Dean and frowns.

Castiel squints. “What about last night?” He challenges. He doesn’t know why he’s being difficult. Maybe it’s for the way Dean was just treating him then, like nothing happened, like Castiel’s emotions aren’t all over the place.

“Cas, c’mon,” Dean says, sighing and huffing. He’s clearly getting fed up with Castiel. _Good_.

“No, I want to hear you say it, Dean,” Castiel tests. Dean glares at Castiel now.

“Look, Cas, I don’t know what you want me to say-” Dean starts but is cut off by Castiel.

“What happened last night, Dean?” Castiel feels his blood boiling. Why is he getting so angry? He never gets this mad.

“Damn it, Cas!” Dean shouts. He puts his head in his hands and tugs at his short hair. Castiel doesn’t even flinch. That’s what he wanted. He wanted to get Dean riled up, and he feels better now for some reason.

“Come on, Dean, what about it? Why aren’t you saying it?” Castiel demands. He still feels like anger is fueling his veins and words. “Dean, it’s not that big of a deal, you know. You can just say-” And like that, he’s cut off by Dean moving in closer, invading his personal space, and placing his lips on Castiel’s. Castiel is caught off guard, making and annoyed noise, but then he realizes, _Dean is kissing me_. He’s rough yet gentle, and Dean moves his hands to Castiel’s waist. Dean’s nose bumps Castiel’s messily, and he laughs. Castiel feels like he’s flying as Dean’s lips move in sync with his own. Everywhere Dean lays his hands leaves Castiel feeling like he’s on fire. Castiel moves his hands up to brush over the stubble of Dean’s face, loving the tickle it makes on his palms. He smiles into the kiss, wondering if it could be like this always. Dean’s smells conquers Castiel’s entire mind. Dean smells like laundry detergent, soap, and cinnamon. _That’s what that other scent is_. Castiel groans into the kiss, loving the feeling of Dean’s fingers digging into the soft flesh of Castiel’s hips. He doesn’t know what to think, his mind goes blank. The only thing kicking around up there is Dean. Dean hovers closer to Castiel, moving his hands around to Castiel’s lower back. Dean’s lips are so soft and Castiel’s breathing hitches as Dean’s tongue darts out to skim over Castiel’s lower lip. Castiel doesn’t want to do that yet, so he pulls in his lips and Dean moves to kiss the corner of Castiel’s mouth. He feels as if he could die.

“Dean,” Castiel mutters, feeling like he’s being pulled out of a haze. Dean makes a noise of protest when Castiel attempts to gently push him away. He laughs as Dean nuzzles his neck, tickling the skin from his stubble. Dean kisses the spot below Castiel’s ear, and Castiel smiles. “Dean, we are not doing anything else in my living room,” Castiel states, pushing on Dean’s chest more firmly this time. Dean finally pulls away, but not by much, and grins wolfishly at Castiel.

“We could go somewhere more private,” Dean suggests, raising his brows.

“OH MY GOD, NO, I DID NOT NEED TO HEAR THAT!”

Dean jumps away from Castiel, his face reddening, and Castiel feels his own heating up. Luke peers over the edge of the half wall separating the kitchen and living room. “Luke!” Castiel shouts, feeling embarrassed and annoyed.

“I’M GOING TO GO BLEACH MY BRAIN NOW,” Luke screams as he disappears from view, most likely crawling on the tile of the kitchen floor. After it’s silent again, Castiel swears Dean can hear the beating of his heart because it’s so loud.

“Well, that was awkward,” Dean jokes. He rubs at the back of his neck, making his necklace jingle.

Castiel has his hands covering his face now. “Oh my God, I’m sorry about Luke,” he mutters into his palms.

Dean laughs, and it’s amazing to Castiel. Warm, rough hands envelope his own and they’re taken away from his face. Dean is close again, and he’s smiling softly at Castiel. His heart skips a beat. “Stop looking at me like that,” Castiel mumbles, shying away.

“Why?” Dean taunts. He’s grinning and pulls Castiel’s hands towards him so Castiel has to lean into Dean.

“Because it’s weird,” Castiel mutters, but he’s smiling as well.

“Well, you’re weird, so if the shoe fits,” Dean jokes.

“You suck,” Castiel pouts.

“Not for free,” Dean winks.

“Now you’re gross,” Castiel grimaces. Dean just smiles at Castiel in a way that makes his stomach twist. Dean presses their foreheads together and Castiel is forced to stare into his green eyes.

He’s never been more in love with the colour green.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's Uno, and then Castiel and Dean go to a Christmas Eve dinner party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just know that I almost always lie about posting dates, lel. So, here's another chapter. This story is going to be cut short because I'm not digging it. Sorry, not sorry. There will only be a couple more chapters so prepare yourselves for sadness. That's right, sadness. 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter, though! FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED, JUST SAYING.

“Uno, bitches!” Charlie laughs as everyone else groans. They go around their circle once more, and Charlie places her last card on top of the pile, claiming her victory. Charlie, Dean, Castiel, Gabriel, and Luke are playing Uno in the living room on the floor. Anna is in the kitchen with Mom helping to prepare Christmas Eve dinner. There aren’t many lights on in the living room, just the lamp in the corner and the Christmas tree illuminate the area. It gives the space a warm feeling.

“Damn it, Charles!” Gabriel shouts. He throws his cards on the ground and puts his head in his hands. She just laughs again and bumps her shoulder with him since she’s sitting beside him.

“Oh, it’s not so bad,” Charlie grins. “We could be playing Monopoly and I could be taking all of your property right now.”

Gabriel frowns as he looks at her. “I’m never playing Monopoly again with you, not after the first time.” Gabriel shivers at the memory.

Even though Castiel is lost at what they’re talking about, he still smiles at the two of them. “Let’s go for another round, so I can kick Charlie’s ass before we have to leave,” Dean prods, taking a sip from his beer.

“Where are you going again?” Castiel’s mother calls from the kitchen.

“To Dean’s brother’s place,” Castiel replies, looking at his mom. She’s leaning over the half wall and smiling at them all. “Sam and Jess are having a dinner party.”

“Okay, how long will you be gone?”

“We’ll be back around eight,” Dean says. Charlie picks up a card from the deck and lays it on the carpet. The game has begun again. Gabriel and Dean turn serious, holding their cards protectively as Luke puts down a yellow card.

“Alright, you boys better be careful,” she responds.

“It’s a dinner party, Mom,” Anna says, walking into view with her red hair spilling out of a top knot. “What could go wrong?”

“Why the hell would you say that, Anna?” Luke chastises. “Now something is bound to go wrong.”

“That’s Murphy’s Law, sis,” Gabriel mutters as he lays down a blue card with a five on top of the pile. Castiel examines the cards he holds, and frowns, leaning over to pick one up.

Dean looks at his own hand and then laughs, putting down a card that tells Charlie to pick up four cards. “I’m changing it to red,” he grins.

“You bastard,” Charlie says, appalled. “That’s the one colour I don’t have. I don’t even have a similar number.” She frowns deeply.

“Not my problem,” Dean laughs. Charlie squints at him, and then picks up her fifth card, and whines. Gabriel goes next and lays down a card that prevents Luke from going, the places a red card with the number three on it.

Castiel puts his only red card down, then Dean puts down one with the same number down. Dean stares at Charlie with a mischievous grin. “Uno,” he says, holding up his last card. Charlie mutters curses under her breath then places down her own card. It goes around until it reaches Castiel.

“Cas,” Charlie says desperately, “please tell me you have a card that makes Dean pick up more or _something_ ,” she pleads. She’s holding her hands together dramatically, like she’s praying.

“Sorry, Charlie,” Castiel says apologetically. He puts down a red card, and then Dean whoops, slamming his card down on top of the pile.

“Eat it,” Dean laughs.

“Dean Winchester, you are the worst,” Charlie mutters, throwing her cards down on the pile. It’s like Castiel is playing with a bunch of five year olds.

“I’m pretty sure Hitler is worse than me,” Dean grins as downs the rest of his beer. He smacks his lips, then stands, stretching. He flicks the top of Castiel’s ear. “C’mon, Cas, we better head out.”

Castiel takes his phone out of his pocket and clicks it on. The time reads 5:10. “Of course,” he says. He stands and goes to the kitchen, leaving the rest of the losers of the game to clean up. “I’ll be back later, Mom,” Castiel says, kissing his mother’s cheek.

She smiles at him. “You two have a good time,” she says. Castiel nods then goes to the front entrance, where Dean is holding the store bought pie he bought earlier before coming over. He’s already dressed for the weather. Castiel goes to the closet and shrugs on his trench coat and puts his boots on, lacing them up.

“Ready to go?” Dean asks.

“Yeah,” Castiel replies. “See you guys!” He calls to the troop in the living room.

“Bye!” They all yell in unison. They head for the door, and before Castiel can even close it all the way, he hears Charlie scream, “Gabriel, you’re such a little bitch!”

They walk to the bus stop and it’s bitterly cold. Castiel is shivering in his jacket. Dean punches him in the shoulder. “Ow!” Castiel yells, annoyed. He holds his shoulder. “What was that for?”

“Hold my hand, loser,” Dean says. He holds out his right hand, and Castiel is stunned.

“For that, I shouldn’t,” Castiel replies haughtily.

“Cas,” Dean whines, “Cas, c’mon, please? My hand is cold.”

“You have pockets,” Castiel says.

“They’re not warm enough,” Dean complains. He opens and closes his hand in front of Castiel’s face, trying to lure him in.

“Suck it up, princess,” Castiel bites out.

“Cas, don’t be like that, c’mon man,” Dean whimpers. You’d think he was a kicked puppy. He’s even pouting now.

Castiel grimaces. “Dean, stop it.”

“Only if you hold my hand,” Dean challenges.

“No,” Castiel says firmly. Dean grabs the sleeve of Castiel’s coat. That makes him come to halt.

“Cas,” Dean pleads. He’s staring into Castiel’s blue eyes, and Castiel is going to kick himself for this later.

Castiel sighs exasperatedly. “You’re so needy,” he says, but places his hand in Dean’s still waiting one. It’s rough and warm, and even though he won’t admit it, he really wanted to hold Dean’s hand. Dean grins like an idiot.

Dean lets Castiel have the window seat when they board the bus. “Where do Sam and Jess live?” Castiel asks once they’ve settled.

“By the university,” Dean replies, hooking his pinky finger with Castiel’s. “The bus isn’t going there today though, since school isn’t in. We’ll have to get off at the downtown stop and walk from there.”

“How long will that take?” Castiel questions. “Fifteen minutes, probably,” Dean says. Castiel nods and then they fall into a comfortable silence. They watch the snow covered streets pass and they stop by Dean’s place ten minutes later. “Hey,” Dean says suddenly, startling Castiel from his thoughts.

“Yes, Dean?” Castiel asks.

“I’m, uh, I’m not very good with relationships,” Dean mutters slowly, looking down at their interlocked pinkies.

That catches Castiel off guard. He hadn’t expected that. He never really knows what to expect from Dean. “Okay,” Castiel says dumbly, because he doesn’t know what to say. His heartbeat falters a bit, and he takes a deep breath to keep himself from being too put off by this new information.

“Cas,” Dean says, “I think you’re a cool guy, kind of weird, but that’s alright.” He laughs nervously. He squeezes his pinky so it tightens around Castiel’s. “Never mind,” Dean says, smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

Castiel feels strange after that, like the hollowness is coming back piece by piece.

 

Dean bangs on the door to Sam’s apartment before shoving his pockets into jacket pockets. He stopped holding Castiel’s hand a while ago, leaving him feeling cold. There’s noise on the other side of the door before it opens to reveal Sam, tall as ever and beaming. “Hey guys, come in,” he says happily. He closes the door behind them and takes Dean and Castiel’s coats and the pie. They kick off their shoes, and Dean gives his brother a side hug.

“Hey, Samantha,” Dean says with a smile.

“Jess, and I are just finishing up in the kitchen. You can go into the dining area if you want,” Sam says, putting their coats in a closet to his left. “I hope you don’t mind, I invited some of our friends.”

“Not at all,” Castiel replies, nodding at Sam. Sam smiles back at him, then leaves to the right, going into the kitchen. “This is a very nice place,” Castiel comments, because it is. The walls are a light grey, and the floors are a dark hardwood. It looks clean and new. Castiel goes into the small dining room, and sees a long table that seats eight, making the area cramped. Four of the seats have been taken up by Sam’s friends.

“Hi, guys,” Dean cheers, waving at them all. He gestures to Castiel. “This is my, uh, Cas. This is Cas,” he gets out.

They all say a greeting to Castiel. Dean points at a petite brunette girl. “That’s Olivia, Brad,” he turns to a guy with brown hair as well. “Macey, and Jonas,” he points to the blonde and brown haired boy.

“Hello,” Castiel says. He sits down beside Brad and Dean moves to sit beside Olivia, engaging in conversation with the two.

“What have you been up to lately, Dean? I haven’t heard much from you,” Olivia says politely. She pushes her brown fringe out of her eyes, showing off her black square glasses.

Dean briefly looks at Castiel, then at Olivia. “Oh, you know, just stuff,” Dean replies shortly with a charming smile.

“Sounds fun,” Brad says drily. “We’ve,” – he gestures between himself and Olivia – “been taking dance classes.”

Dean chokes on the water he was sipping at. He pounds his chest till he’s back to normal. “Oh, really?” He looks at Castiel, raising his eyebrows mockingly.

“No,” Castiel replies, knowing what he’s about to say.

“I didn’t say anything,” Dean says, holding up his hands defensively. He’s grinning.

“No, but you were about to, and the answer is no,” Castiel gives him a look. Dean smiles crookedly at him.

“You two are so cute,” Olivia says suddenly. “Where did you meet?”

This again. Castiel hates this. Are they even together? Sure, they’ve kissed a few times, but other than the hand holding, they haven’t gone on any dates and Dean just said earlier he wasn’t good at relationships, so what does that make them? Friends with benefits? He doesn’t think there have been enough benefits for that. Just friends then? That doesn’t even seem to fit them. He doesn’t know where they stand anymore.

“McDonald’s,” Dean says. He’s not smiling. Perhaps he’s wondering the same things Castiel is.

“Oh,” Olivia replies. “How nice. Brad and I met at our French course.” Olivia smiles at Brad, and Castiel looks over to see the man gazing at his girlfriend. “He said something so romantic, oh, what was that again, honey?”

“Tu es mon rêve,” Brad says, looking fondly at Olivia. “It means, ‘You are my dream.’” Brad reaches for Olivia’s hands, and they lock their fingers together.

Dean makes a small noise of disgust, and covers it up as a cough, but Castiel catches it. He kicks Dean under the table, and he jumps, glaring at Castiel after. “Cas,” Dean says quietly under his breath, like a warning.

Castiel gives him an I-really-don’t-care-look. Castiel goes back to looking at the candles that flicker noiselessly. He thinks of his lighter, sitting in his bedside table. “You look very fancy, Cas,” Macey says from across the table.

“Oh, thank you,” he says, smiling and nodding at her.

“He always dresses like that,” Dean interjects. “It’s kind of weird.” Castiel turns to scowl at Dean. Dean glares right back. It’s almost as if the other four guests can sense the tension between Dean and Castiel, so they look away quickly and make conversation amongst themselves. Castiel is already feeling bitter, and they got here barely five minutes ago.

“Alrighty, dinner is served,” a girl says proudly as she walks in with mashed potatoes. Her hair is blonde and she has a kind, round face. This must be Jess. “Hi, Castiel,” Jess says once she placed the potatoes down in front of him. She squeezes his shoulder. “I’m glad you could make it,” she says with a friendly smile, showing a dimple.

“Happy to be here,” Castiel says, smiling back at her. Castiel looks across the table to Dean, who is staring at him. “Dean?”

Dean shakes his head, breaking his stare and muttering. _Weirdo_. Castiel gets up, saying, “I’ll help bring things in,” to Jess.

“Oh, thank you so much,” she says. She leads him to the kitchen, which is white with dark countertops and cozy. She hands him the gravy and cranberries.

“It was very kind of you to make dinner for us all,” Castiel says to Jess and Sam, who is cutting up a turkey.

“It was no problem,” Jess says. She lightly touches Sam’s shoulder, then gets the stuffing. They walk across the hall to the dining room and place the dishes on the table. Jess sits down at the head of the table by Macey and Jonas, so Castiel goes back to his seat as well.

Sam comes in soon after, carrying a platter of turkey and sets it down in the middle of the table. Everything looks perfect. After everyone is seated, conversations start up as food is being loaded onto plates.

“So, Cas, what do you do for a living?” Jonas asks.

“I forgot the rolls,” Jess announces. She bounces up and goes to the kitchen.

“Um, nothing at the moment,” he replies, putting some mashed potatoes on his fork. He eats it, and it’s like heaven. He closes his eyes and moans. The chatter stops and he opens his eyes to see Sam grinning at him.

“They’re that good?” He asks.

Castiel’s cheeks flame. He nods, unable to believe he just did that. He looks over to Dean, who licks his lips then squirms uncomfortably in his seat. Castiel panics. Was it really that bad?

“Here, Cas,” Jess says, handing Castiel a bun.

“Thank you,” he says, swallowing his food, cheeks still hot.

“So, wait,” Jonas says, waving around a piece of turkey on his fork, “how are you able to pay for school?”

 _This is awkward_. “Jonas,” Jess scolds, “don’t talk to people about their finance.”

“Uh, it’s okay, Jess,” Castiel says, uncomfortably. “My father was rich and had to leave money to my family when he left us. My mother put savings into mine and my sister’s bank accounts since most of my brothers were nearly done school.” That shuts Jonas up. Now Castiel is going to be labeled as the rich friend. Castiel cuts up some of his turkey and eats a small bite.

“Oh, where are the carrots?” Jess asks, looking to Sam, then at Castiel, and back to Sam.

“Yeah, uh, Cas, wanna come help?” Sam asks while standing and making his chair squeak against the floorboards. Castiel nods, and gets up as well, following Sam into the kitchen.

The carrots are sitting untouched on the counter, precipitation gathering on the inside of the glass lid. “I’m sorry about Jonas,” Sam says apologetically. “He can be rude sometimes.”

Castiel nods. “It’s okay,” he answers.

Sam presses his lips together then asks, “Are you okay here?”

 _No_. “Yes, I’m fine.”

Sam nods and they go back to the dining room, Sam caring the carrots. “We are so unorganized,” Jess says laughing nervously.

“It’s no biggie,” Macey says shrugging.

Castiel helps himself to the carrots and doesn’t moan or make any kind of noise this time when he bites into a slice of paradise. “This is delicious,” he says. There are hums of agreement, and then polite talk is initiated. Castiel hates this kind of conversation. It’s not enough for him, and soon he finds himself shaking his leg up and down under the table from anxiety. He feels out of place, and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like it when he doesn’t feel like himself.

After a minute of bouncing his leg, he feels feet tangle tentatively with his own. He looks up to see Dean staring at him already. Dean nods then goes back to eating, but leaves his feet by Castiel’s.

“Cas, your brother owns that bakery place, right?” Sam asks before putting stuffing in his mouth. Castiel nods, and Sam smiles. “That’s such a great place.”

“What do you like about it?” Castiel questions. He drinks some of his water.

“I don’t know, it just feels like home, ya know? It reminds me of our parents place when we were growing up.” Sam looks sad as he says that, and he stares at his mashed potatoes as he plays with his food with a fork.

“The name is ‘home’ in Spanish, Sam,” Dean says around a mouthful of cranberries. Castiel makes a face, but doesn’t say anything. Dean just grins at him.

“La Casa? I think we’ve been there once or twice,” Jonas says looking at Macey. “It was okay, but I’ve had better coffee. Also, the food sucked.” He shrugs and rips his bun in two and starts buttering it.

Castiel frowns, feeling defensive of the bakery and of Gabriel. Castiel helped his brother make that place his own. He painted the walls and dragged in old furniture and assisted in making the menu. Saying that it’s okay is like receiving a blow to the chest.

“Jonas,” Jess says with false politeness, “please leave.”

Jonas frowns. “Why? I have every right to be here.”

“You’re right has been revoked since you’re being extremely rude and terrible,” Jess retorts. “Now please, get the fuck out.” She resumes eating casually, and Castiel decides he loves Jess.

“Unbelievable,” Jonas mutters. He stands, making the chair screech. “C’mon, Macey.”

Macey frowns. “You can go, Jonas. I’m staying.”

“You’re the one driving, Macey. C’mon babe.”

“Take a cab. I’ll see you at home.” Macey glares at Jonas until he huffs and turns abruptly, storming out of the apartment, and slamming the door as he does. Everyone is quiet.

Jess shakes her head, then pauses her eating, and looks at Castiel. “I’m so sorry, Cas. I can’t believe he was acting like that.”

“Thank you,” Castiel replies gratefully. They finish their meal in happier spirits, and the small talk is less painful now.

“Dessert anyone?” Sam asks. “It’s pie.”

“Aw, yes, please,” Dean grins leaning back in his dining chair.

“Good, you can go get it,” Sam smiles back, laughing when Dean’s face falls.

“Bitch,” Dean mutters.

“Jerk,” Sam retorts. Dean smacks his brother’s head when he passes him to leave the dining room.

“Come help, Cas,” Dean says. He tugs at the collar of Castiel’s shirt.

“Excuse me,” Castiel says, getting up and trailing after Dean. Once they’re in the kitchen and out of view, Dean turns to Castiel and hugs him. Castiel jumps, then realizes what’s going on and hesitantly hugs Dean back. It’s over in three seconds, then Dean breaks away and goes to the fridge to get the dessert. “Dean?” Castiel asks, confused.

“Yeah?”

“What was that for?”

“What?”

“The hug,” Castiel responds.

“Jonas is a dick, and I’m sorry you were his target during dinner,” Dean replies bitterly, putting the pie on the counter.

“That’s hardly your fault, Dean,” Castiel says.

“I know, but you shouldn’t have gone through that,” Dean says, looking at Castiel. He looks him up and down then grabs a knife from a drawer by his hip. “I also should’ve said something.”

Castiel shrugs. “What’s done is done,” he says.

“No, Cas, I-,” Dean stops mid-sentence. He shakes his head then cuts into the pie. “Never mind. Could you grab some plates from that cupboard?” He points to the cupboard in the corner.

Castiel doesn’t say anything, and he moves to get small, white plates. He helps Dean dish out the dessert and they make two trips to deliver it to everyone at the table.

 

After the dishes have been washed and everyone feels like they’re going to explode, they settle down in the living room to watch _Love Actually_. The girls picked it, and while Castiel doesn’t mind the film, the rest of the guys all groaned.

Castiel, Macey and Dean are left to get two chairs from the dining room and bring them into the living room. There’s only one couch, and it’s only just big enough to fit Sam, Jess, Olivia, and Brad. Castiel sits beside Macey, and Dean is on the other side of the room.

Castiel is confused about his feelings for Dean. One minute he’s being a jerk and childish, and the next he’s kind and caring. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing for him or not. He watches Dean watching the movie. Dean doesn’t seem to care for the movie – if by the complaining didn’t give it away earlier wasn’t enough – but soon Dean starts leaning forward in his chair, and analyzes the movie with calculating eyes. Dean may never admit it, but he’s probably enjoying this chick flick, though he’ll swear up and down he’d never think of liking such a movie. Castiel looks at the way Dean’s shoulders are hunched over, making his back curve, and how his muscly arms are propped up on his knees. He likes Dean’s stubble, and his laugh, and so many other things. But Dean said he’s not good with relationships. Does that mean he likes one time things? Is he just using Castiel till he gets what he wants?

Castiel’s stomach twists uncomfortably at the thought. No, Dean wouldn’t do that. He’s not like that. _But what if he is_?

They leave soon to get back to Castiel’s place on time. Dean claps his brother on the back and kisses Jess’s cheek, while Castiel simply waves at them both.

“We’ll have to hang out again soon,” Jess suggests.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean replies with a smile. He puts his hand on Castiel’s back and pushes him gently out of the apartment. They go to the lobby and out the entrance and Dean slips his hand into Castiel’s. They don’t talk as they walk to the bus stop by the university. Snow is falling lightly and it’s chilly. Castiel presses closer to Dean for warmth, and Dean wraps his arm around Castiel’s shoulder, so now Castiel’s arm is across his chest. Their path is illuminated by streetlamps and the occasional car passing by, the headlights lighting them up then sending them into darkness again.

It’s blissful.

They ride the bus to Castiel’s house. Dean doesn’t get off at his stop even though he’s not staying at the Novak house for the night. They’re quiet, and Dean is holding his hand still. Dean rubs Castiel’s thumb with his own, and he leans against Dean’s shoulder. They stare at the lights that pass.

They get off at the stop, and walk to Castiel’s. Both of them are quiet until they get to his front door. “I don’t want to sound like a teenage girl,” Dean starts, laughing nervously, “but can I kiss you?”

Castiel stops, then looks at Dean, confused. “What?”

Dean huffs. “Can I kiss you? I know you were kind of pissed at me earlier, so I’m just wondering,” he rushes out.

Castiel thinks about it. “No,” he answers. Dean’s face falls, like Castiel knew it would, and he continues, “but I’d like to kiss you.”

Dean doesn’t have time to respond before Castiel quickly kisses Dean’s cheek, then says, “Good night, Dean.”

He barely hears, “’Night, Cas,” before he shuts the door. Dean was right; Castiel was pissed about earlier, for a lot of things. But then Dean played the-nice-asshole card and Castiel fell into his trap. He’s smiling stupidly though.

“Oh, wow, you look like me when I came home after my first date,” Anna says, walking out of the kitchen with a mug of something clasped in her hands. She’s wearing her Mickey Mouse pajamas and her glasses. “What happened?” She asks.

“Dean’s a jerk, but a nice jerk,” Castiel says simply.

Anna laughs. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Just be careful about him,” Anna says seriously. She gets a faraway look in her eyes and she continues, “Those are the ones who always break your heart.” She starts walking away, but Castiel stops her.

“What do you mean, Anna?” Castiel asks, confused.

“Nothing,” she replies quickly, with a fake smile adorning her pretty face. “Do you want to watch a movie with me and Charlie?”

“Sure,” Castiel says, still curious about Anna. He shrugs out of his coat and puts it on a hanger and places it in the closet. “What movie?”

“ _The Avengers_ ,” she says with a grin.

Castiel rolls his eyes and kicks off his shoes. He walks with her into the living room. “You only like that movie because Jeremy Renner is in it.”

“And Scarlett Johannsson,” Charlie says around a mouthful of popcorn. “I don’t know if I want to be her, or do her.”

“Probably both,” Anna says, sitting down on the couch beside Charlie.

“Give me a minute, and I’ll be back,” Castiel says. He runs upstairs, changes into a t-shirt and sweatpants, then sprints back downstairs. The movie starts playing, and after that one is finished, they watch _Lost in Translation_ and _The Perfect Score_ since Charlie insists she needs more of Scarlett Johansson. They all fall asleep on the couch.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas comes and goes while Dean avoids Castiel. They finally go on a date, but it's cut short when Castiel has to finish up an essay. Dean tags along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoyo, another chapter for you guys. Sorry, it's a day late. No biggie though. The final chapter will be up either by the end of the weekend or early next week!! Yeah, you're all gonna hate me. That's okay though, because I'm gonna write a happier and better and slower paced fan ficition next. Planning on a boarding school AU. So that'll be coolio. Anyways, enjoy!

When Castiel wakes, Charlie is lying on top of him, snuggling into his chest like a cat. He looks to the bottom of the couch and sees Anna half-on the sofa and half-off. She breathes heavily into the carpet, and Castiel can only imagine the amount of pain she’s going to feel in her neck when she’s conscious.

Charlie murmurs something incoherent. Castiel moves to brush her fiery red fringe from her face and look at her sleeping form. She seems so peaceful.

“WAKE UP YOU WANKERS,” Luke yells as he storms into the living room with the camera. He quickly snaps a photo of the three of them on the couch, and chuckles at Anna. “IT’S CHRISTMAS,” he says enthusiastically.

“Jesus, Luke,” Anna mumbles from the floor. She falls forward and spreads out over the carpet like a starfish. “Could you be quieter?”

“NOT REALLY,” Luke shouts, moving to sit on his sister.

Anna makes an annoyed huff and rolls, making Luke fall off of her. Charlie stirs and turns over, tumbling off the sofa. “What?” She says sleepily. She sits up and rubs her eyes, yawning. “What time is it?”

“Seven o’clock,” Gabriel grumbles, walking into the living room and plopping himself down on the chair that sits by the tree. He looks cranky.

“Smile, beautiful,” Luke cheers, snapping Gabriel’s photo before he can even protest. “You’re going to Hell for that,” Gabriel remarks dryly. He rubs his hand down his face.

“So be it. I can be the ruler,” Luke says with a mischievous smile.

The head honcho walks in, and declares, “Nobody is ruling Hell while I’m around. Now come, let’s open presents.”

“Can’t I get coffee first, Mom?” Charlie mutters. She runs a hand through her hair frowning when it gets caught in a knot. She tugs it out and winces.

“No, honey,” Mom says happily. She nearly bounces to the Christmas tree and digs for presents, tossing them to each person. “Alright,” she says grinning, “open them.”

Luke nearly rips his present; he’s so aggressive and excited. Anna opens her gently, while Gabriel tears at the paper lazily. Charlie shakes hers first and Castiel breaks the paper apart. Luke pulls out a small book. It’s titled _Go the Fuck to Sleep_. “This is beautiful,” he whispers dramatically. “Thank you Mother.”

Mom waves him off. Gabriel holds out a cookbook of different recipes for pastries and breads. Anna holds up a blue and grey striped scarf. “Oh my gosh!” She squeals. “A Ravenclaw scarf! Thank you!”

Charlie opens her present and finds red and gold knitted hat. “Griffindor, bitch,” Charlie says smugly to Anna. She yanks the tuque over her head while Anna sticks her tongue out at her and wraps the scarf fiercely around her neck.

Castiel opens his gift and sees an old pocket watch. It has carvings on the silver lid. He clicks the button and eyes a slot where he can put a picture. He knows exactly what photo to place there. The clock part has beautiful, vintage hands, and is worn, but it’s still clicking. “Thanks, Mom,” he says, looking up at her with an appreciative smile.

“You’re welcome, lovelies,” she says. They all pile around her and hug her, then they resume opening gifts. Castiel receives a black sweater, Catcher in the Rye, a small sculpture of a golden elephant with elaborate designs on it, and a Swiss Army knife. He keeps a hold on the elephant, loving it to bits and pieces. Luke got a horse mask, so of course he immediately puts it on and runs around the house, not saying anything, just doing random, stupid things. Castiel, Anna, and their mom prepare breakfast while Charlie and Gabriel set up _Dance Dance Revolution 4_ and start to play it. Gabriel tries cheating by pushing Charlie into Luke, who’s standing in the corner of the living room now, still keeping quiet.

“Luke, what the hell man?” Gabriel says. “You’re so creepy.”

Luke just lifts his head up and to the side, so the horse’s eye is looking straight at Gabriel.

Castiel looks on from the kitchen, where he’s chopping up fruit. _My family is so weird_. His mom is flipping pancakes while Anna is handling the hash browns.

The rest of the day goes well. They all watch _Elf_ , and Gabriel makes gingersnaps with Anna. Anna’s awful Christmas CD is playing through the stereo in the living room. Luke threatens to break the disk, and when Anna threatens to break his face, he retorts by flipping her off and goes back to kicking everyone else’s asses in Texas Hold ‘Em. Castiel doesn’t receive any calls from Dean.

A week later, Castiel wakes up and dreads tomorrow. Classes start the next day, and he still has a paper due. Christmas came and went, and New Year’s was nice. Luke and Gabriel invited lots of people over, so Castiel sat in the corner of the living room, listening to other people. He eventually joined Charlie and Anna, who were playing _Rock Band_ in the crowded area. He ended up being pushed over by a drunken girl and he crashed into a really attractive guy, causing him to spill his drink all over him. Castiel had apologized profusely and gotten the guy another drink. They ended up talking for the rest of the night. His name was Nick. Dean hadn’t come to the party, though Castiel invited him several times.

Castiel begins to wonder about his relationship with Dean. Dean will be all over him one moment, then making up excuses the next. He’s like a boomerang, going out but then spinning back for more.

“Cas,” Dean breathes into the phone when Castiel answers it. “Hello, Dean,” Castiel says stonily. He’s mad at him. He hasn’t been keeping in touch well, and Castiel felt like Dean forgot about him. He should’ve expected it though.

“Do you wanna go out?”

That stops Castiel from reaching for his Eeyore mug. He wasn’t expecting that. He’d been anticipating Dean to drop him like a used Kleenex. “O-Okay,” he stammers. He clears his throat. “Where do you want to go?”

“I think we should go to La Casa,” Dean replies. “Haven’t been there in a while, and I could go for a coffee.”

“Y-Yeah, sure,” Castiel says, ears turning red because he’s not with it right now. He feels awkward.

“Great,” Dean says, and Castiel can hear the smile in his voice. “I’ll meet you on the bus.”

“Okay,” Castiel replies, feeling proud at having gained some control. Dean hangs up, and Castiel puts his phone down on the counter, a smile spreading across his face.

“Ooh,” Anna says, walking into the kitchen and going to the fridge, “somebody looks happy. Going on a hot date?”

Castiel chokes on air, and clears his throat. “Yes, actually.”

“Dean?” She asks as she pulls the orange juice carton out. She takes off the lid and downs some.

Castiel nods. “Yeah, finally.”

Anna laughs, putting the carton back. “I was wondering when you guys would go on an actual date.” She frowns and goes to the pantry, pulling out a granola bar. “How long have you guys been together anyway?”

“Uh,” Castiel says dumbly, thinking back, “not long. A week?”

Anna makes a noise of understanding and exits the kitchen, leaving Castiel alone with his thoughts.

 

“You know, Dean,” Castiel begins as Dean slips his hand into his own, “I do appreciate phone calls.”

Dean looks over sheepishly at Castiel. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“I tried calling you too,” Castiel says, standing as the bus pulls to the downtown stop.

Dean’s eyes are cast downwards. “I know,” he mutters. Castiel frowns and doesn’t say anything. They get off the bus, and walk to the bakery nestled in a corner shop, stepping into the warm and welcoming atmosphere of La Casa. Gabriel and Charlie are working the counter. Few customers litter the place. Charlie looks half asleep, with her head propped up on her hand and her eyes closed. They go to the counter. “Charlie, that’s not very professional of you,” Castiel says with a smirk.

“He’s right,” Gabriel says, coming over to the register. Charlie stands up straighter, still looking tired.

“Sorry,” she laughs tiredly. “I guess I still haven’t recovered from New Year’s.” She rubs at her eye and yawns.

“What’ll it be?” Gabriel asks turning to Castiel and Dean.

“Just a black coffee and a mocha,” Dean says, reaching into his back pocket to pay. “You said I’d get to pay this time.” Castiel holds onto Dean’s wrist to stop him and moves to pull out his own wallet. He pulls out a ten and tells his brother to keep the change. Charlie sets to work, making the coffees.

“Why is it so slow?” Castiel asks.

Gabriel snorts. “I suspect New Year’s Resolutions and what not. People say they’ll lose weight, so they cut back, which means they avoid this beautiful bakery.”

“Beautiful is right,” Dean compliments.

“Thanks, Dean-o,” Gabriel says appreciatively, grinning. Dean smiles back. “Hey, Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you have that paper due tomorrow?” Gabriel asks.

“Yeah, but I’ve already finished half of it,” Castiel shrugs.

“You better not let Cas come back too late,” Gabriel warns Dean, pointing a finger at him. “He’s got to finish his classes for his degree.”

“He’ll be back by sundown,” Dean says with mock seriousness.

“He better,” Gabriel mutters. Charlie comes by and places the coffees on the counter.

“There, one black coffee and one mocha,” she says triumphantly. “I’m so tired; I can’t believe I got that right.”

Gabriel claps her on the back. “Just a couple more hours and then Nick will come in and you can go home to nap.”

“Nick?” Castiel asks before he can stop himself. “Like, Nick from the New Year’s party?”

Gabriel nods. “Yes, the tall handsome and beefy Nick, the same one.”

“Who’s Nick?” Dean questions, narrowing his eyes. Castiel feels a lump form in his throat. What should he say? Nothing happened between him and Nick, so why does it matter?

“Uh, a friend of Gabriel’s,” Castiel mutters, taking his drink and sipping it, even though it’s too hot. He scalds his tongue and moves away from the barista counter, towards an empty wooden table.

“Cas,” Dean calls. He grabs his coffee and chases after Castiel. Dean sits down opposite from him and eyes him. “Cas, seriously, who’s Nick?”

“Just some guy from the party,” Castiel says, before he bites out, “the one you weren’t able to attend.” He knows he shouldn’t have said that, but Dean makes him feel so bitter sometimes. He doesn’t like being bitter. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth.

“Look, I told you-”

“Yes, I know, Dean. You had ‘urgent matters to attend to.’” Castiel drinks more of his coffee and it burns his throat, but he’s okay with it. He welcomes the pain.

“Cas,” Dean says with a soft look. “Hey, I’m sorry buddy; I just couldn’t come that night.”

Castiel bites the inside of his cheek and shrugs, looking down at the Styrofoam cups on the table. Dean wraps his hands around Castiel’s. He melts a bit at Dean’s touch, hating himself for giving in so easy.

“Let me make it up to you,” Dean says suddenly.

“How?”

“It’s not that great of an idea, but I think we should just marathon _Firefly_ at my place.”

“What’s _Firefly_?” Castiel asks. He twines his fingers with Dean's.

“The best way I can explain it is there are cowboys in space and they go on adventures.”

“I have no idea why,” Castiel says, smiling at Dean, “but that sounds amazing.”

Dean grins back. “It is.”

“Wait,” Castiel says, his face falling. Dean stops smiling as well. “I have my paper to finish.”

Dean groans. “Right.” He sips at his drink, and then downs half of it. Then his face lights up. “Let’s go now, and we can stop by my place to grab the DVDs and then go to your house and watch it once you’re done.”

Castiel nods. “Alright.”

 

“Do you ever just want to get away?” Castiel halts typing on his keyboard, the black line on his Word document blinking at him. Castiel can think of so many times in his life when he wanted to leave. He wanted to leave when his father left. He wanted to disappear when his friends abandoned him, though he was nearly invisible anyway. He wanted to vanish so much at one point he nearly killed himself, but with the help of a stranger, he got past that point. Fast forward a few years and Castiel wished that the ground would open up and swallow him whole because Meg left. It’s always people leaving that make him wish he could abandon everything as well. Everyone else does it, so why can’t he?

He looks over to Dean, who’s lying down on Castiel’s bed, playing with a squishy ball he found in the room’s closet. His face hardly betrays any of his emotions. Castiel wonders why Dean bottles it all up sometimes, but then he remembers why people do that, why _he_ does it. It’s easier, he finds, when no one knows. He feels like nobody can use it against him and he’s okay with that. He’s gotten so used to it by now that he doesn’t notice the hollowness anymore.

“Why?” Castiel asks. He’s staring at Dean, but he doesn’t really care, because Dean shouldn’t feel all the things Castiel feels. Castiel hates it all, and he doesn’t want Dean to be like that either.

Dean shrugs, tossing the ball into the air and reaching out to catch it. “We should go somewhere,” he states.

Castiel looks down and parts his lips as if to say something, but nothing comes to mind. He resumes his typing, trying to get his mind back on European History. “I don’t know Dean. Is that the best thing right now?”

He hears the bed squeak as Dean gets off it, and feels Dean behind him. His mouth is beside Castiel’s ear as he whispers, “I think it’d be the greatest.”

Castiel shivers and Dean notices. He reaches down to kiss the spot below Castiel’s ear, and he involuntarily moves his head to allow more access to Dean. Dean kisses a small trail down Castiel’s neck, nibbling at the spot above his shirt’s collar, and what was he typing again?

“Dean,” Castiel whines as Dean’s hands snake around his shoulders and wrap around his neck.

“Hmm?” Dean hums, kissing Castiel’s jaw. Dean’s stubble rubs against Castiel’s face, and he finds he loves it.

“Paper,” Castiel breathes, “have to finish without distractions.”

“I’m a distraction?” Dean murmurs, kissing the corner of Castiel’s mouth. Castiel smiles. “Yes, now go back to the bed or something. I’m almost done.” Dean doesn’t comply at first, but Castiel turns his head and kisses Dean on the lips, holding his face with both hands. Dean’s hands moves to Castiel’s waist effortlessly, and they stay like that for a few seconds, kissing each other gently. Castiel pecks Dean on the nose then shoves him away lightly. “Go,” he laughs when Dean pouts.

Dean plops down on the bed, grabbing the ball and squishing it between his hands. Castiel goes back to typing, determined to complete this essay. “We should leave, though,” Dean mutters from behind Castiel.

Castiel decides to humour him. “And go where?”

“Anywhere,” Dean says thoughtfully. “Anywhere is better than here.” “I like here,” Castiel replies, threading his fingers through his hair in frustration when he can’t remember what he’s going to type next.

“Here is kind of boring,” Dean huffs.

Castiel slams his hands on his desk, ignoring the stinging pain. Why does he have to do a paper? The past five days he’s been doing nothing but homework, and he hates every second of it. He spins in his chair until he’s facing Dean, who’s looking at him with wide eyes. “Where do you want to go?” Castiel asks hurriedly.

“Um,” Dean says, dumbfounded. “Somewhere warm?”

“For some reason,” Castiel says, “I thought you were going to say Canada.”

“Why the hell would I want to go to Canada?” Dean asks, aghast. “They have more snow than we’ve ever gotten. That sounds like a terrible idea.”

“Right,” Castiel agrees, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Well, Dean, unless you have money for airfare, hotels and such, I’m afraid we’ll have to put off the idea of a vacation. I have finals soon, and then after that, I have to finish university, get a job doing _something_ , and get an apartment and start my life. Life is a pain in my ass and I don’t have the money, time, or energy for it.”

Dean is stunned, then he frowns. “This is why we need to leave Kansas for a while.”

Castiel sighs, and spins back around to his laptop. “I can’t. We both have school, dumb ass.”

“Whatever, I just think we need to leave once school is over,” Dean says quietly. “Wait! Why don’t we go to California?” He enthuses. Castiel doesn’t say anything. He’s fed up with this stupid paper and fed up with Dean’s propositions, even if he does want to leave. Dean throws the squishy ball at the back of Castiel’s head.

Castiel pitches forward, making a noise of protest. “Why?” He groans, and massages the back of his head.

“Because you’re not helping me with this, loser,” Dean pouts.

“How old are you again?” Castiel sighs, rubbing his hands up and down his face. He’s so tired he feels as if he could sleep for nine years if he was given the chance.

“Nearly twenty two,” Dean replies.

“Give me five minutes of peace, Dean,” Castiel pleads. “I have one more paragraph, and then I’m all yours, okay?”

“Fine,” Dean says. For the next five minutes, all that’s heard in the room is the tapping of keys and Dean throwing and catching the squishy ball. Castiel wonders if Dean is serious. They’ve only been together for a short period of time, and it seems risky, leaving out of the blue like how he’s planning. Castiel needs to finish school. He has little money, and he needs to get a more stable job once he’s finished school. Who the fuck came up with this system anyway? You need money to get into school, and need a job to pay for your education, and once that’s done, you need a better job to pay off any loans, and then it’s into finding a place to live besides a campus. Castiel is incredibly lucky to have his mother offer him housing rent-free.

“Has it been five minutes?” Dean asks. Castiel looks at the clock on his computer and smirks.

“Two more minutes left,” he replies.

“I bet you made that up, you ass,” Dean accuses.

“Nope,” Castiel says, popping the P. Castiel yawns and thinks of nothing but European History. That soon makes him want to destroy the planet. He types out his final sentence, vowing to edit it later. “Finished,” he breathes. He saves his work, exits out of Word, and shuts his computer down. Castiel stands from his desk chair and turns, walking to his bed and plopping down on top of Dean.

Dean lets out an annoyed huff and pushes Castiel off of him. He wraps his limbs around Castiel instead, and they cuddle closer. “Tired?” Dean asks quietly.

“Extremely,” Castiel replies, yawning in Dean’s face.

Dean scrunches his nose and pushes Castiel’s head under Dean’s chin. “Alright,” Dean hums. “Do you want to skip _Firefly_?”

Castiel nods. “Yeah, I’ll probably just fall asleep anyway.”

Dean chuckles, his chest moving Castiel. His laughs rumbles through to Castiel, and he loves it. “Just go to sleep then,” Dean murmurs, brushing Castiel’s hair away from his face gently. He kisses Castiel’s forehead, and Castiel starts to drift off, thinking about how his essay probably doesn’t make sense. He also thinks about Dean, and how he wishes he were around more instead of avoiding building their relationship.

“Please stop ignoring me,” Castiel whispers, not really thinking about what he’s saying. He listens to Dean’s heartbeat. Dean’s breathing falters for a moment, then resumes its normal drumming.

Dean draws in a shaky breath. “I promise, Cas.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SPOILERS, SO NO DESCRIPTION THIS TIME.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah yis last chapter. Sorry if you hate me after this, I understand okay. Also, I know this story was awful, don't need to tell me twice. Thank you again to my friend who has edited everything for me, and who has also been so supportive! Thank you to those who went through this mess with me as well, I owe you one as well. 
> 
> If any of you are interested, I have started writing a boarding school AU, still Destiel, because I couldn't find any long ones, so I thought I should just write my own. So voila. Anyway, that'll be up by the end of the week, so yeah. Actually, maybe next week, I dunno, depends. Okay, enjoy reading!

January was coming to a close, and Castiel studied furiously for his midterms. He’d spend days locked in his room after classes, only coming out for the bathroom and the occasional scrap of food. Anna always brought him a tray of food, and Mom would come around, knock on his door, say, “You good?” Castiel would nod numbly from his desk chair, and she would leave. Castiel’s study mixes consisted mainly of indie music, and the random Beatles song here and there. He passed his exams with flying colours. Dean kept his promise. He would call Castiel every day after supper, around eight o’clock, and they’d talk about everything and nothing. Dean would make Castiel laugh when he felt like crying because of the stress he’d been under. Dean made it better somehow. They tried to go out every weekend, whether it was to watch the latest movie or to just walk around downtown. Castiel loved every single moment though. Dean made everything less boring and less stressful. He put a bounce in Castiel’s step. On nights when Castiel had to stay in, Dean would come over and hang out with Castiel’s brothers until Castiel wanted to sleep. Dean would lay in bed with Castiel and hold him while he fell asleep.

Castiel’s siblings decided to stay for a while longer. Anna said school could wait one more semester, and Luke made the excuse that he needed to look over his idiot brother. Castiel assumed he meant Gabriel.

January melted into February, and once his exams were over, Castiel felt a million times lighter. For second semester’s classes, Dean and Castiel shared a business course. Dean would sit beside him and try to sneak Castiel notes, poke his sides, and just stare at him instead of the professor. Some days it irritated Castiel beyond measure, but other days he couldn’t bother with the lesson. He’d get the notes from the website and explain it to Dean when he came over after classes. Dean would distract him by kissing his neck or pushing his hands under Castiel’s shirt, running his fingertips along his hipbones. He gave in so many times.

Dean became upset sometime during March. He was ignoring Castiel again. He was distracted by other things, always muttering about how, “It’s not good enough,” but Castiel never knew what ‘it’ was.

“What is It?” Castiel asked Dean one day. Dean was holding his head in his hands, his arms propped up on his knees and sitting on Castiel’s bed.

“Hmm?” Dean had asked, startled. He looked up at Castiel, who was staring at him from his desk.

“What is It? You’re always talking about It, but what is it?” Castiel asks, nearly confusing himself when he said it aloud. Dean sighed.

“Everything, Cas,” Dean replied heavily.

“Like what?” Castiel asked. He wanted to know more about Dean. He needed him to open up more, but Dean was still restraining himself from doing so.

“I just-” Dean cut himself off. He ran his hand through his short hair in frustration. “Cas, I don’t know, I feel restless. I mean, Sammy has Jess and he told me he’s going to marry her one day, and I know he will. Where will I be? I’ll be stuck here, making crappy money as a mechanic in some shop, and I’ll be alone. I feel like a failure.”

“I’ll be with you, Dean,” Castiel said, a little hurt by what Dean said. “You can’t compare yourself to Sam. You’re both very different, and just because he knows what he’s going to do, doesn’t mean you won’t in time.”

“I know, Cas,” Dean huffed. “I just feel like shit. And the rest of it is-” he paused and gestured between them both, “us.”

Castiel furrowed his brow, feeling like something was stabbing at his chest. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you don’t think we’ll be together for a while, do you?” Dean asked. He looked just as distressed as Castiel, so why was he saying those things?

“I, uh, I don’t know, Dean,” Castiel stammered.

“I think it’s early to tell, ya know?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded his head numbly. “Yeah,” he replied quietly. Dean had just gotten up off the bed, muttering about how he needed to go back home, kissed the top of Castiel’s head, and walked off.

A week later, Dean calls Castiel. “Do you want to go on a walk?”

“Hi to you too,” Castiel says.

“I’m feeling antsy,” Dean explains. He clears his throat and takes a couple seconds to say, “I also need to talk to you about something.”

“Oh,” Castiel says, his stomach sinking. “Yeah, sure. We’ll meet at the usual place?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Dean says. “I’ll see you in fifteen?”

“Yeah, okay, see you then,” Castiel replies. Dean hangs up and Castiel goes downstairs to grab his coat.

“Where you going?” Luke asks, slinking into the main hall from the kitchen with a sandwich in his hands. He takes a massive bite out of it, and Castiel pauses, but doesn’t say anything about the mustard on his brother’s cheek.

“I’m going on a walk with Dean,” Castiel says, shrugging into his coat. He ties up his shoes and leaves the house, cutting Luke off from anything he was about to say.

He walks briskly to half way between his bus stop and Dean’s. There’s a park not far from there, and they stroll around there usually. He thinks about what Dean wants to talk about. He has a horrible feeling like he knows what Dean will say, but he doesn’t want to think it. It hurts too much. Dean’s been more distant again, and even though Castiel doesn’t think it’s his fault, he still blames himself. He keeps thinking about what he’s been doing differently or wrong for the past while, and saddens.

Flowers are starting to poke through the grass again, and trees are slowly budding. Spring holds a special place in Castiel’s heart. It represents life in his eyes, of what could be, with all that potential to be something so beautiful. He views the human race as Spring. People are so beautiful and amazing, and he wishes others could see that too. He loves history because he learns how people have evolved and it’s all just _brilliant_. Humans figure things out, and when they’re gone, more people come into the mixture and continue to add to the library of knowledge humans have attained. He loves philosophers, artists, rebels, scientists, leaders, followers, readers, athletes, performers, stay-at-home moms and dads, workers, strangers, friends, family. He loves people who think outside the box, and who stay inside it. He loves people who are comfortable and uncomfortable in their skin. He loves smiles and eyes. He loves people.

Castiel sees Dean sitting on the sidewalk, his legs over the curb with his elbows propped up on his knees. He takes a moment to look at Dean, for what seems like the zillionth time. Dean is one of the humans Castiel can’t get enough of. He’s endless and fascinating and beautiful and amazing.

Dean hears Castiel approaching and turns to look at him. “Hey, Cas,” he says without enthusiasm. Castiel fears his heart will break.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel says.

“Wanna go get a burger?”

“Oh, um, okay. No walk then?”

Dean shakes his head. “Nah, I need some grub.”

Castiel nods. “Okay,” he says. Dean holds out his hand and Castiel helps him up of the sidewalk. Dean holds onto Castiel’s hand as they walk down the sidewalk to the part of the city that has more retail. Castiel’s palm feels clammy, he’s so nervous. He doesn’t want Dean holding his hand if he’s going to go through with what he thinks Dean is planning.

“McDonald’s okay?” Dean asks, nodding at the restaurant when it comes into view. “Sure,” Castiel replies, feeling a little out of place. Dean tugs them towards the fast food joint and they cross the parking lot. Once they’ve ordered, Castiel saying specifically no tomatoes, they sit down at a booth beside the large windows on the far side of the restaurant.

“Why?” Castiel mutters, taking off the bun on his burger.

“What?” Dean asks before taking a bite of his own sandwich.

“There’s tomato on this,” Castiel complains. He takes the red slice off of his burger and hands it to Dean, who takes it and puts it on his food.

“I’ll never understand why tomatoes are a food,” Castiel says, taking a bite of his burger. He hums happily, but his leg is shaking under the table, showing how anxious he is.

“Because normal people like them,” Dean says around a mouthful of food.

Castiel squints his eyes. “Ew,” he says simply. They eat for a few minutes in silence. It doesn’t feel comfortable or awkward, just neutral. Castiel doesn’t know how he feels about that.

Castiel wishes it could be different. He thinks about how fast they went through their relationship, and is surprised they lasted this long. Maybe it was because he was so desperate to feel that way again, so he jumped head first with Dean into something they both weren’t ready for. He regrets it. Dean and all his mysteries and insecurities, falling through Castiel’s grasp before he can hold on any tighter.

“What do you want to talk to me about?” Castiel asks, eating the last of his burger and feeling sick to his stomach.

Dean pauses in sipping his Coke. He wraps his lips around the straw and drinks for a solid thirty seconds until his drink is gone and Castiel can hear the straw slurping at air. “About that,” Dean begins, “Cas, you’re amazing.” Castiel makes a face and Dean holds up his hands, “I know, corny, but listen.” When he sees Castiel is listening skeptically, he continues. “You’re this beautiful person, so smart and dorky and weird, and I feel like I’ll never meet your expectations.”

“What?” Castiel intervenes. “What kind of person do you think I am, Dean?”

“No, I mean,” Dean says frowning. He growls in frustration. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m no good at talking, Cas. You’re too good for me, that’s what I’m saying.”

“But why? Why don’t you think you’re not good enough for me?” Castiel asks, upset.

“Because I’m not, Cas,” Dean says, a crease between his brows. His face is weirdly normal, like he’s not experiencing the same heart break that Castiel is at the moment.

“Don’t say things like that about yourself, Dean,” Castiel pleads.

“No, it’s true,” Dean argues. “Cas, you’re this amazing guy who’s going to go far in life and that’s awesome. Me? I’m staying here forever. I just know it. I’m the guy who stays in the same place his whole life, wondering what it would’ve been like to get out.”

“What the hell, Dean?” Castiel questions exasperatedly. “Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it then.”

“That’s the thing,” Dean nearly yells, slamming a fist down on the table. He gets a few weird looks from people at neighbouring tables, but Dean either doesn’t care or notice and he continues. “You’re telling me to do something, but I just can’t. I know I’m going to be stuck here, but that’s not going to happen to you.”

“What if I want to stay here, huh?” Castiel asks. “You’re the one who always talks about going away, so leave, because I’m fine right where I am.”

“But I can’t just go, Cas,” Dean says.

“Why the hell not?” Castiel cries. People are starting to murmur around them. Not wanting to cause any more of a scene, Castiel stands abruptly, taking his trash with him and leaves the table. He throws the garbage in the bin and exits the restaurant, feeling fed up with Dean and everything else.

He’s on the other side of the parking lot when he hears Dean call after him. He doesn’t want to turn, he _really_ doesn’t, but it’s that stupid whine in Dean’s voice, the one that sounds desperate and pleading, that makes him turn back to find Dean jogging towards him. “Cas,” Dean begs, “just listen for one fucking second, okay?”

Castiel wants to tell him to eat shit, because he’s being selfish and so infuriating. “Fine,” he says instead.

“I can’t leave because of Sammy, okay?” Dean says. “I know that’s a crappy reason, but I just can’t leave him. He wants to stay here, and I feel like I need to watch over him. We’ve been through so much shit together.”

“What are you getting at then?” Castiel yells.

“I think we should stop seeing each other,” Dean says quietly.

It hits Castiel like a ton of bricks. He was expecting it, but it still fucking hurts. It hurts so fucking much, like someone decided now would be the best time to practice torturing Castiel using medieval methods.

“Why?” is all Castiel can manage, his voice nearly breaking. He holds it steady though.

“Because I’m just extra baggage you don’t need,” Dean says.

“That’s bullshit, Dean Winchester,” Castiel replies fiercely.

“Cas, I just don’t think it’s going to work out,” Dean argues.

“I know it wasn’t going to work, Dean,” Castiel says hotly. “But the fact that you’re ‘extra baggage’ wouldn’t make me want to date you any less, you ass.”

“Let’s be honest, Cas, you could do so much better,” Dean jokes with a sad smile.

“You’re a fucking jerk,” Castiel says, almost starting to cry. “Everyone’s got baggage, Dean. Maybe you find that one person who you’re willing to deal with and it’s okay, because why does it matter? All that matters is seeing that person and thinking, ‘That’s the one.’ The back story doesn’t even fit into the equation, because it’s in the past, and you should be able to help deal with it.” He huffs, willing the tears to stay in.

“Cas, I think you’re better off without me,” Dean says, reaching out to touch Castiel’s arm.

“Don’t touch me, you ass,” Castiel bites out. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me.” He chokes, and a tear betrays him, rolling down his left cheek. He wipes it away angrily and spins on his heel, ignoring Dean when he calls out to him.

Castiel stays in his room for a week, half angry and half unwilling to face the facts. Dean broke up with him because he said he had issues. So what? Castiel has multiple issues as well. Castiel can’t handle them on his own. He doesn’t want to burden his family either. Castiel learned to hate himself so long ago, but when he was with Dean, he was able to see things Dean saw. He viewed himself differently afterwards, but after spending seven days in his room alone, Castiel has relearned how to hate himself. He’s been facing his demons for a weak, and he’s given into them.

 _You’re not good enough._ Castiel knows this. Apparently Dean wasn’t good enough for Castiel, but he doesn’t care. Why couldn’t Dean stay? Why? Why? _Why?_

 _You should end it…_ Castiel knows this as well. He figures his family will be okay. No, that’s a lie. He knows they won’t. He knows they’ll cry and hurt for a long time, and thinking about them makes Castiel sob into his pillow, feeling like his chest is about to cave in. It’s like he can’t breathe, like there’s too much of _everything_. He hates himself so much and he can hardly stand himself.

 _Would Dean care?_ This is something Castiel doesn’t know. Dean was the one who broke up with him, and yet…

Gabriel and Anna stop by his room a few times a day to check in on their brother. Castiel just stays in his bed, on top of the covers with his arms wrapped around his pillows. He doesn’t bother taking his medication, fearing that it won’t help, that nothing will. He clutches his pocket watch, staring at the picture on the inside of the lid. He grips the metal so tightly it leaves dents in his hands, and he’ll start crying again; not from the pain, but from the loneliness that is settling in the pit of his stomach. It’s the general emptiness that he feels that makes him sleep. He listens to Daughter, a CD that Anna left for him, and the music just makes him feel worse, but he doesn’t stop listening. Gabriel brings him food, but Castiel hardly eats anymore. He feels too sick, like he might throw up if he were to consume anything. He’ll only drink water out of his Eeyore mug. His mom will come and sit on his bed with him. She’ll read him _Go the Fuck to Sleep_ , and run her fingers through Castiel’s matted hair afterwards. She tells him she loves him very much, and she’s here if he needs anything. When she closes the door, Castiel throws the pocket watch against the wall, screaming and crying, feeling like his chest will explode from the nothing that occupies him. He stays quiet after that.

Dean calls Castiel one day, and even though Castiel notices his phone ringing, he lets it go to voicemail. Dean leaves a message and an hour later, Castiel finds enough strength to lift his arm to reach over to his bedside table to listen to the damned voicemail.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean’s voice rings through. Castiel finds tears springing to his eyes, but otherwise he lays completely still, only listening to Dean. “Look, I’m sorry. God, I’m terrible.” Dean laughs dryly and continues. “Listen, I’m no good at these kinds of things, I just- I don’t know.” Dean heaves a breath and takes a moment to speak again. “I know you must hate me, just please understand that I can’t be the one to tie you down. You don’t need that. I need you, though. God, I’m such a jerk,” he hisses. “Forget I said that, okay? Don’t get back together with me. I’m poison and you shouldn’t have to deal with that. I’m all over the fucking place, I can hardly keep up myself. Cas, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I didn’t pay attention to you as much as I should have – and I really should have – but I just needed you to know there will never be anyone like you again. You gave me two months of a happiness that I can’t explain, and I don’t know. You made me feel things I didn’t know were real. Well, I knew they were real, because I saw Sam look at Jess that way, and then I felt that way when I saw you every time. You’re this beautiful person who made me question things, but, oh shit,” Dean mutters, a beeping noise sounding through the receiver. “Cas, just don’t do anything stupid, buddy, okay? I-”

The message cuts off, and Dean hasn’t left another, so Castiel assumes that’s it. Dean is no longer in Castiel’s life then. It’s over.

Another week goes by. Castiel hasn’t gone to any of his classes, even when Gabriel and Luke team up to drag him out of his bed. Castiel lets them try, leaving them with his dead weight. They all nearly topple down the stairs, so they put Castiel back in his bed and lay with him, telling him stories about their weeks and of better times.

“What do you think, Cassie?” Gabriel asks later in the day. “We’ll go to the beach one day, like the ocean beach. How does that sound?”

Castiel nods numbly, not saying anything. His whole mouth feels dry, and it feels like he’s swallowing sandpaper. “Water,” he says weakly to Gabriel. Gabriel hands him his water and Castiel drinks greedily. This is what his life has come to.

“How are you, bro?” Luke asks. He looks so sad, like they’ve been in this situation before.

Castiel waits a bit until he can form words in his foggy mind. “Have you guys ever felt so sad, like you’ll never be happy again?” He’s staring at the wall, not daring to look at his brothers. “It’s like this crippling weight that you can’t seem to lift off your shoulders, no matter how much you try to will it away. It’s as if there’s no reason to breathe.”

“There’s always a reason to breathe, Cas,” Luke says. “It’s called oxygen deprivation.” Castiel doesn’t laugh at his brother’s joke. He just stares quietly at the dark grey wall, and feels guilty when he doesn’t acknowledge Luke.

“I don’t know,” Castiel says. “I just don’t want to do anything, including breathing. It’s too much of a hassle,” he mumbles, rolling over to face the other wall, away from his brothers. They sigh and each squeeze Castiel’s arm before leaving quietly. He falls asleep soon after.

Castiel sleeps until early afternoon the next day. He feels like shit. The date is March 31st, and it’s going to be his last day. No one can talk him out of it. He picks up the pocket watch he threw against the wall two weeks ago, the lid broken, the picture torn slightly. He looks so happy in the photo; it nearly rips his heart in two. He greets his family in the kitchen after he’s had a shower, as if he hasn’t been bedridden for the past two weeks. They’re all surprised, then Mom and Anna grow uneasy.

“Hi, honey,” Mom welcomes with a tired smile.

“Hey Mom,” Castiel replies, kissing her cheek lightly.

“Want lunch?” She asks.

“Yes, please, I’m famished,” Castiel says while grinning.

Anna gets him a bowl of mac and cheese as Castiel sits down at the kitchen table. He hums to himself as he digs in, feeling his stomach grumble happily. “Castiel,” his mom says, “Are you up for shopping today?”

“For what?” Castiel asks, swallowing the cheesy noodles.

“Just some groceries,” she says with a shrug.

“Sure.” Gabriel comes into the room and helps himself to the mac and cheese as well, plopping down in the chair opposite Castiel.

“How does it feel to smell fresh air, Cas?” Gabriel jokes, stabbing a few noodles then stuffing them in his mouth.

“Oh, uh, refreshing?” Castiel questions.

“Good, because the air in your room feels stale,” Gabriel states.

“I know,” Castiel agrees. “Got any candles I could use?”

“Yeah,” his brother grins. “I’ve got this cinnamon one I think you’d like.”

Castiel’s heartbeat falters slightly, knowing that one of Dean’s scents is cinnamon. “Yeah,” his voice cracks, “I’d like that one, please.”

Gabriel nods and Castiel finishes his food while his mother and siblings talk. He walks the steps upstairs tiredly, feeling exhausted already. Castiel enters Gabriel’s room, ignoring the posters of half-naked girls on them and the crude magazines strewn across the floor. He goes to Gabriel’s closet, kicking clothes out of the way so he can open the door. In a box on the top shelf are Gabriel’s many scented candles. He roots through them until he sees the cinnamon scented one. He purses his lips, debating on whether or not to take the candle, then thinks why not? He wants his room to smell nice once he’s gone. He shoves the box back in its place and leaves Gabriel’s disaster of a room.

Later, once he’s back from shopping with his mother, he gets to work. He makes his bed, and cleans his room. He brings down the many empty glasses and washes them all, then vacuums the floor. He arranges his books neatly, and dusts all surfaces. He stops when he sees the pocket watch that he’d placed on his dresser earlier. He runs his thumb over the broken lid, feeling the etching of the designs against his finger. He slides it into his jean’s pockets.

Once he’s done cleaning his room, he sits down at his desk and writes two letters. One will be for Dean, and the other for his family.

He spends the night watching the first Indiana Jones movie with his family. Gabriel and Luke say they wish they were half as cool as Indie, and when Castiel says they’re better, Gabriel tells him to, “Piss off.” Castiel just smiles fondly at them all.

They’re all asleep by midnight. Castiel gets up from his still made bed and finds his Swiss Army Knife on his bedside table. He stuffs it into his pocket, and it clinks against his pocket watch. Castiel waits another hour before he does anything else. He folds his letter to his family and places it neatly on his wrinkled pillow. He hates this scene. He hates this. He hates all of everything. He hates that he’s doing this to himself, but he’s so tired, and so upset, and so _done_ with being a part of this world. He quietly exits his room, going down the stairs while avoiding all the steps that squeak. He shrugs into his trench coat, and ties up his shoes, unlocks the front door and leaves the house. He walks to the bus stop and calls a cab. The cab comes and when Castiel gets in, the cabbie asks, “Where to?”

“McDonald’s, please.”

 

“A cheeseburger with no tomatoes, and a coke, please,” Castiel recites. The cashier is a woman who looks like she wants to be anywhere else but here. _Just like Dean._

“Anything else?” She asks with a yawn. Castiel shakes his head. “That’ll be-”

“Keep the change,” Castiel says, pushing a fifty across the counter.

“Uh, I- uh, okay, thank you, sir,” the woman stammers with a smile spreading across her face. Castiel nods to her, and she grins at him, reaching to get him his cup. She hands it to him, and he takes it to fill his drink. When he goes back, she has his burger on a tray ready for him. “There you are, hon,” she says. “You have a good night.”

“You too,” Castiel says. “Thanks.” He walks to a corner of the restaurant and slides into a booth. He eats his burger quietly, and nobody bothers him this time round. There’s a middle aged man at another table, by himself, and he’s staring at his cup of coffee. He must be one of the “deadbeats” Dean told him about all those years ago. He thinks about what would have happened if he hadn’t met Dean four years ago today. He’d be six feet under. He wouldn’t have helped Gabriel build up the bakery. He wouldn’t have met Charlie or Meg. He wouldn’t have learned so much about European history. He wouldn’t have loved Dean. He never told Dean that he loved him.

Dean was just some kid who was working the late shift at McDonald’s and saw a lonely stranger. He went up to that stranger, and changed his life. But now Castiel is going to end it, because sometimes things are too much to bear.

Castiel cleans up after himself then leaves McDonald’s, the same McDonald’s he ran out of a couple of weeks ago, and the same one he left all those years ago. This is the last time though.

Castiel calls another cab, and it happens to be the same cabbie that picked him up the first time. “Hey, kid,” he says gruffly. “Where to now?”

“South Powerhouse Road, please,” Castiel says.

The driver shoots Castiel a funny look, but just replies with, “Alright, then.”

The drive across the city is quiet except for the buzz of the late night radio. The cabbie hums to himself, off key, and Castiel yet again loves people. When they get to the road, the car pulls to a stop on the corner, and Castiel hands the driver five hundred dollars.

The cabbie laughs. “No fucking way kid,” he smiles, wiping tears from his eyes. “Take it back. Use that for college or something.”

“No, please take it,” Castiel says. He leaves it on the backseat and closes the door before the driver can say anything else. Castiel walks away quickly, heading off the road and down to the banks of the Kansas River. There, he finds a tree overlooking the quietly rushing water. He’s never felt so alone and scared and peaceful all at once. It’s strange.

He plops down on the soil beneath the tree, leaning against the bark and feeling it poke at his back uncomfortably. He decides to remove his coat, immediately experiencing the cold nipping at his skin, making him shiver. Castiel reaches into his pocket and takes out both the pocket watch and Swiss Army Knife. He opens the broken lid, revealing the crumpled and torn picture within.

The day after Christmas, Castiel went to a camera store in town to get a picture resized so it could fit in the small space of the watch.

“That’s an adorable photo,” the lady at the counter had said, looking at it on the monitor of her computer. “Are you together?”

“Sort of,” Castiel replied. It was the photo Castiel’s mother had taken of him and Dean while they had been laughing and looking at each other the first day Dean had come over.

Castiel heart swells and he feels that God awful pain in his chest again, thinking back to the day the photo was taken. He was so happy then. He’s going to hold on to that memory while he’s still breathing.

He shuts the lid of the pocket watch. It feels so heavy. Castiel clasps his hands together and rests his chin on them, the watch secured tightly between his hands. “Uh, hey, God,” he prays. He’s rusty with this. “I – I know what I’m about to do is a sin, and I apologize sincerely for it, but I just didn’t want to be alone completely right now. I want to know there’s something better on the other side for me. I mean something happier. This life has been so hard, and I know it’s all a part of your plan, or whatever, but I’m just having such a difficult time wrapping my head around the idea that things could get better from here on out.” Castiel swallows thickly, and opens his hands a little, pressing the watch to his forehead. He breathes deeply. “I just – I need to know I’m forgiven. I don’t think I want to leave this life only to enter the one that comes after this, and know there’s nothing there for me. I’m scared, if I’m going to be honest. This whole thing is terrifying, but I just can’t handle it anymore. Nothing is helping, and I’m sorry. Please, please for the love of everything, look after everyone I’m leaving behind. Watch over my family, especially Mom. Guide them through what comes next. Make sure Charlie is safe. Make Gabriel look out for her, always. Keep Luke from doing anything too stupid. Just, please watch over them all. Help them,” his voice cracks and he sobs lightly, then clears his aching throat. “Look after Dean for me, since I won’t be able to. Make sure he gets my letter. Comfort him and everyone else after today. Keep them safe, please. I hope the other side is better than here, because it feels like everywhere else is better than here. Amen.”

 

Dean wakes up at some ungodly hour by the ringing of his phone, Smoke on the Water blaring. He huffs, and reaches over blindly, skimming the top of his bedside table until he hits his cell. He snatches it up and doesn’t bother looking at the caller I.D. “What?” he asks while rubbing his hand down his face. He looks over at his bedside alarm clock. It reads 3:30 am. What the hell?

“D-Dean?”

“Who is this?” Dean asks, confused.

“It’s G-Gabriel. Please, Dean, I need your help,” Gabriel whispers through the phone.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Dean sits up a bit more, waking up slowly.

“I-It’s Cas,” he wails.

That makes Dean’s heart skip a beat. He sits up completely. “Gabe, it’s okay-”

“No, Dean! It’s not! He’s gone!” Gabriel cries.

“Where?” Dean asks, stumbling out of bed and grabbing any clothes he can, tugging them on clumsily.

“D-Dean, he’s just, he did something,” Gabriel sniffs. He’s choking and having a hard time speaking. What’s going on?

“What did he do, Gabe?” Dean nearly yells, getting anxious and worried. His heart his hammering so hard in his chest, he fears it’ll break free.

“He left a note, but he’s gone to kill himself,” Gabriel whispers through his sobbing.

Dean stops. His heart stops, his legs freeze, and his mind comes to a grinding halt. _No. No. No._ That word keeps spinning through Dean’s mind. This can’t be happening. This wasn’t supposed to happen to Cas.

“Where?” Dean utters, snapping back and sprinting across his apartment to grab his keys. He doesn’t even bother to locking the door on his way out.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel says quietly. “We need to find h-him, Dean. I don’t want to lose my baby brother.”

“It’s okay, Gabe, he’ll be okay, we’ll be okay,” Dean reassures his friend, but even he doesn’t know what will happen. He stays on the phone with Gabriel as he rants, but Dean can’t ignore the pain seeping into his bones. It’s hurting his chest. “What does it say in the note?” Dean asks urgently. Maybe Cas left directions of where to find him. Maybe there’s still time.

“H-He said he’d be on S-South Powerhouse Road, Dean,” Gabriel stutters. There’s crying and wailing on the line other than Gabriel’s, Dean realizes. _Cas’s whole family must be awake_.

“Okay, are you coming with me? Coz I’m going there right now,” Dean says racing across the parking lot to his Impala that he never uses. There was never any reason to drive it when Cas would take the bus everywhere. There was always the possibility of seeing Cas on the bus. _Not anymore_ , Dean’s conscience taunts. He unlocks the car door and nearly rips it off its hinges. He slams it shut and shoves the key in the ignition, backing out of his spot when the engine has fired up.

“I-I want to, but I don’t think I could see h-him, Dean, if he’s-” Gabriel cuts himself off, sobbing into the receiver.

“Okay, that’s okay,” Dean rushes. “Stay with your family. I’ll do everything I can, Gabe. I promise.” His voice cracks at the end, but he ignores it, pulling onto the main road and going over the speed limit.

“O-Okay. Thank you, Dean,” Gabriel says. “I just didn’t know what t-to do.”

“It’s okay. I’ll call you,” Dean says and hangs up. He speeds up a bit more and drives to South Powerhouse Road. There aren’t many cars on the streets of Lawrence, and most of the light is coming from street lamps. He slows down at a red light, and checks to make sure no cars are arriving, then pushes the pedal to the floor. He speeds across the intersection, not caring if he gets a ticket for that.

Dean dials Cas’s number, wondering why he hasn’t deleted it yet. It rings twice and goes to voicemail. “Damn it, Cas!” Dean shouts. “Don’t do this. There are other ways we can handle this, whatever it is, okay? You don’t have to go through with it, please don’t.” Dean chokes. He licks his lips, trying to speak in calmer voice. “I need you, man. I know we broke up, but I still need you.” He hangs up. He gets to the road in three minutes, and jumps out of his car, searching the sides of the road for Cas. He’s not here. At this point, the panic starts to settle in, and Dean is hyperventilating and trying to stay upright. “Cas!” Dean shouts into the night. His voice echoes around him, and he hears the quiet rush of water to his side. He runs to the side of the bridge, yelling for Cas again. Still no reply, and Dean thinks his heart is breaking, because he sees something white not far away.

He sprints off the bridge, leaving his car and any sense he had left with it. “Cas!” Dean shouts, approaching the white. He falls to his knees beside Castiel. Angry red lines marr his wrists, and Dean hates everything about tonight.

“Cas,” Dean says quickly, pulling him onto his lap. “Cas, c’mon man, you’re okay.”

Castiel’s chest moves only the slightest bit. Dean laughs, he’s so happy. He dials 911, and hangs up once it’s okay to do so. There’s so much blood. It’s been absorbed into half of Castiel’s shirt, and the rest of it is in the soil.

“Cas, baby, c’mon. Stay with me,” Dean commands. Something glints in Castiel’s hand, his fingers curled around it loosely.

“Dean,” Castiel mouths, his eyes glazed over. “Dean, leave,” he whispers.

“No fucking way man,” Dean says. He licks his lips, and lays Cas gently on the ground, tugging off his jacket and taking off his ratty t-shirt. He rips two strips out of it and shrugs his coat back on quickly. He takes Castiel’s slit wrists and presses the cloth to his skin, holding it their tightly. “Why, why would you do this?”

“This life is so difficult, Dean,” Castiel mumbles.

“I know, man, but that’s okay,” Dean rushes. He needs to keep Castiel talking. He is not dying on him.

“Not when it’s hard to get up in the morning. Not when,” Castiel heaves a deep breath, trying to speak more, “not when it feels like your chest is caving in with each moment because everything just _hurts_.”

“Don’t talk like that,” Dean pleads. A tear drops from his eye and lands in Castiel’s hair. “It gets better, I promise.”

“You don’t know that, Dean,” Castiel whispers, closing his eyes.

“Hey!” Dean says roughly. “Don’t, don’t do that, Cas, stay awake.”

“Why?” Castiel asks dryly. He’s so pale.

“Because I can’t fucking live without you, Cas. I’m going to be a wreck. I need you,” Dean admits. “I don’t want to face this God awful world without you. Yeah, the place is terrible, but with you around,” more tears fall and skid across Castiel’s porcelain cheeks, “Cas with you, everything doesn’t seem so bad. It won’t even matter if my day is crap, because I could see you at the end of it, and none of the other shit that went down would even matter. You’ve got to know that.”

“Here,” Cas whispers, slowly opening his hand, revealing his pocket watch.

“What? Why?” Dean asks, exasperated. Castiel doesn’t respond, just keeps his eyes closed and breathes extremely slowly and shallowly. Dean removes his hand from one of Castiel’s wrists, and takes up the pocket watch. He opens it, and a small picture of them laughing is revealed. “Fuck, Cas,” Dean whimpers. He’s never felt so helpless in his life.

Sirens sound in the distance, and Dean actually believes for a moment that Cas will be okay.

But he takes a last shuddering breath, and then he’s not moving.

Dean holds Castiel and sobs into his shoulder, clutching the watch so hard that it’s cutting into the palm of his hand. He feels the awful ache of his chest caving in. Dean knows he’s a jerk for saying those things to Cas, but he had to tell him. Dean never deserved Cas. Cas never deserved this.

It’s all Dean can do before the paramedics come sprinting towards them. Dean screams at them not to touch Cas, but they pull him away, because he’s too weak to do anything about it now. Even though he came early, it wasn’t fucking early enough. They leave Castiel’s coat, so Dean takes it up in his hands, grateful there’s no blood on it. He puts it to his face and cries into it. He refuses to leave Cas alone. He rides in the ambulance to the hospital, leaving the Impala behind on the bridge. He doesn’t care right now. He just holds Castiel’s hand, feeling the soft skin there, breathing in the smell of the trench coat.

 

He called Gabe earlier, told him to go to the hospital to see his brother, and went home. Once at home, Dean feels like nothing is real. He clutches the trench coat, feeling empty. He sleeps with the coat and dreams of better times. It’s all too heavy right now.

Gabe calls him the next day, says the funeral will be in a week, and that’s all he says. Dean has the trench coat laid out on his bed, with Cas’s pocket watch on top of it. He stares at the coat for the longest time, wishing it were being filled with a body. He needs to move it, and when he does, a piece of paper falls out. _No._ Dean picks it up with hesitant fingers, feeling the weight in the paper. He sits down heavily on the bed, it dipping under him.

 

_Dean,_

_I don't know how this must be for you. I know I’m selfish, and I know it’s hard right now, but it gets better for you. Or it could, if you choose that. It was never going to get better for me._

_I never told you that I loved you, because I was so scared of everything that we could be, but I ~~wanted~~ needed it. I wanted everything you had to offer, even if you thought you weren’t good enough. You’re such a beautiful person, Dean. Don’t take what I did personally, because it wasn’t just about you. It was about everything that happened before you. _

_I believe things happen for a reason. I believe you saved me four years ago because it was written. I believe you’re reading this now because I had to do this._

_I just couldn’t live with the pain anymore, and I’m so sorry that you do. Don’t do what I did. Don’t be like that. Be better. Be you._

_Each day, when I saw you, it felt like coming home. You were my breath of fresh air, and I’ll think of you always, Dean, always._

_Yours,_

_Castiel_


End file.
